[there's an indistinct sound of rustling fabric as Hazel is literally squirming from discomfort and anxiety. as if Josuke being angry at her wasn't bad enough, he was going to drag out the vague not-actually-hypotheticals so she didn't even know how far in the shit she'd sunk. this was awful.]
That's kind of an overreaction, don't you think? I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding and there's a perfectly good explanation you haven't heard yet. Nobody's got any reason to distrust you, you're a cool guy.
I'm pretty sure I'm not overreacting, Hazel! Do you wanna know why I say that? 'Course you do, because I'm a cool guy, I'm a great friend who tells you stuff and doesn't hide things from you! So here's why. This thing I'm talking about? It happened a few weeks back. There's been plenty of time between then and now for this friend of mine to talk to me about what happened, but instead I didn't hear a lick about it until the one responsible for the danger showed up and told me himself! Now, you gotta agree with me, right? You see where I'm coming from and why this is so upsetting?
[there was really only one thing this could be. it's bad, but at least she can explain herself. christ, Kaneki, was it really necessary to mention her name? but that was probably her own fault for never telling him this was something she'd prefer to keep quiet.
she exhales softly, a quiet little missable sound, and decides to just cut through all this vague bullshit and get right down to it. there was no need to keep torturing herself like this.]
Ok, if this is what I think it is - you were already upset enough, there was no way I was going to say something and make it all about me. And afterwards it didn't matter anymore, so why would I bring it up? It's finished.
You deaf as well as inconsiderate or something? I said you're a friend that I care a lot about. That's all that counts. That's why it matters. That's why it still matters to me.
[Letting her cut to the chase. Might as well, he wasn't going to drag it out much longer anyway. He was building up to this. To a more direct confrontation.]
I don't need you to protect my feelings, Hazel. I've never needed that from anybody, and I don't want it. All I want from you is to respect that I've always been honest with you about important shit and to give what you get. If that's asking too much...you might as well tell me here and now so I know exactly where it is we stand.
Did you ever think maybe I wanted to do it anyway, even if you don't need it? I didn't think it was important to start with, and I'm not going to drop stupid unnecessary bullshit on you when you've already got more than enough.
[there's a desperate keen to her words now, not quite pleading but certainly urgent. this wasn't a conversation that she wanted or was prepared for, and now Hazel's found herself stumbling through emotions she hasn't even given words to in her own private moments. she wants to be understood so badly, but she's struggling when she can't even quite understand herself.]
I'm not - I don't have that many friends and you're all putting up with me anyway and this is all I can do. I don't have anything good to give, but I can keep the garbage to myself.
It's not garbage to me. If you don't want my help with things, if you want to do them on you're own, that's fine. I can respect that. People need space to be themselves, to handle things on their own sometimes. But you gotta tell me these things beforehand, you know? Because...when I find out like this, from someone else, and when I find out weeks too late?
All I can think about is...
[Quietly:]
...what if I lost you too. What if I didn't know something bad had happened until it'd already gone down? What if nobody finds you and you're just left there all alone and...
[He trails off. Takes a second to...swallow. To reel back in his composure. Or the pieces of it.]
You might not think a lot of yourself, Hazel...but that doesn't mean I think the same way. Do you know what I mean?
[does she? there's no answer from Hazel's end for a long while...there isn't much of anything, in fact, aside from a very ugly noise. Hazel can't cry, but she's so overwhelmed that she's forgotten for the moment. all of that dry sobbing sounds hideous, but she doesn't notice and wouldn't care even if she did.
if she had a better handle on herself there'd be some little quip now. about how she was as unshakeable as gum on someone's shoe, or that he should take things up with whoever made her schedule, or even how death wasn't that terrible. some kind of shield to deflect the concern.
but there's none of that now. it's one thing to hear a friend say they were worried about her (rare enough on its own) and quite another to hear Josuke confess to fears that she's locked away in her own heart since her resurrection. if she died again, who would be there? who would care?
it was too much. it was all too much in a beautifully overwhelming way. she was just as important to Josuke as he was to her, and Hazel has no idea what to do with that information except to keep making hideous noises.]
'm not going anywhere.
[her first words, and they're broken and nearly incoherent thanks to the unnecessary face rubbing she's doing as she speaks.
right, talking. Jesus, how does she do that again? Hazel needs to take another breath, for her mind rather than her lungs, before she can put out something slightly less emotional.]
I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just not used to...being important to someone anymore. [or saying it. her voice wobbles again.]
Josuke knows what most of those sounds mean because he's made quite a few of them himself lately! Just...not around other people. (The damp cheeks around Kaneki don't count, either! Because he hadn't been blubbering or hiccuping like a total idiot. He'd checked himself, thank you!)]
...you done yet? [There's a sudden softness to his tone, but it's also tinged with amusement.] I didn't call to listen crappy beat boxing.
[But more seriously.]
Just...try and keep it in mind going forward, okay? 'Cause I've honestly had enough of finding things out way too late. Oh, and about not going anywhere. You can...come over here if you wanna. I won't bitch about that.
Well sorry, next time I'll just run the tap and call it a day.
[there's no energy in her return, but there is an audible sort of smile instead. it's ok. everything is going to be ok.
...which means she should open up all the way about that day, shouldn't she? it was only right, and this was something she had wanted to talk about.]
But I'd really like to come over, yeah. It's just - uh, since we're being honest, that wasn't the only thing that happened. Should we talk about that when I show up..?
[this one's definitely going to make him angry. she's not exactly sure he'd want to hear about it in person - or maybe she's still not comfortable with being this upfront about her problems.]
[she almost tacks on 'don't get mad' but decides to just leave well enough alone. it's not too long after that she's at his door, anyway - just enough for her to psych herself up to the point that she's not going to chicken out and bolt.]
[Funny, because he was THIS close to tacking on "I trust you not to chicken out and run".
Anyway, by the time the knock comes, Josuke is...well, he's not sure if he's ready, but he's decided he's probably about as ready as he'll get, so he goes to answer it, pulling open the door and inviting Hazel inside.]
[she's really tempted to hug him when he answers, but Hazel restrains herself with a quick rock on her heels to propel her inside and towards the bedroom. sappy emotional indulgences on her part can wait until after everything's out in the open, if only for fairness' sake.]
Housemates eavesdropping on your phone calls, huh?
[Leading the way to his room, Josuke closes the door behind them and shakes his head.]
Nah, it's not like that, but I figure if you got something to say...it's probably best just to keep it between us and not involve other people.
[He gestures to the chair at his desk or his bed. She can sit wherever, but he's claiming the headboard with a pillow at his back, arms crossed so he can stare at her. Ready when you are, Hazel.]
[she wouldn't have a part two to this whole debacle if other people hadn't gotten involved, after all.
Hazel takes the remainder of the bed rather than the chair, as it feels a little less like an interrogation that way. she's slumped more than a little, like it's going to deflect anything that might come her way. time to bite the bullet.]
Ok, so. I have to go back a little bit first because otherwise nothing's going to make sense. Do you remember when everybody thought they were pirates and space ninjas and whatever? And they made that vaccine for it, but it just started barfing your memories at other people instead?
I got that vaccine because I figured even if it didn't work it couldn't hurt me, right? Except, you know, the memory thing happened instead. And the memory was my resurrection.
[she pauses, voice and gaze dropping for a moment. she doesn't like to think about the night she was brought back, even (or especially?) in moments like this. in many ways it was far worse than her death had ever been.]
I thought it was ok, you know? I mean, the guy it happened to didn't take it well - I think I could have leaned too close and stopped his heart if I'd wanted to - but he promised he wouldn't say anything. And nothing happened for so long, I really thought it was alright.
[she frowns. my, her hands are certainly interesting right now. maybe if she stares at them hard enough she'll be able to mask all the hurt that recalling this is conjuring back up.]
My fault for thinking I could be lucky, I guess. The day everything blew up he called me...and he wanted to know how much I wanted everything to stay a secret.
[Yup. That noise? Him groaning a little, because even he had thought better of getting the vaccine.
And now? He's really glad he didn't get it. Last thing he needs is people rifling around in his memories, but...he suspects that's the last thing anybody needs. Hazel especially.
Which makes him want to reach out for a second, maybe put his hand on hers. He knows how guarded she's tried to be, and he understands her reasons. Not everyone's accepting of people who are different, understanding of those whose circumstances are completely beyond their control. But he doesn't reach for her. Because she continues speaking a second later and then it's everything he can do not to start pulling seams out of his pillowcase.]
...yeah, what'd he want in exchange?
[Because if he didn't ask for a knuckle sandwich, maybe he should have. Not that he needs to. Josuke'd be happy to give him one anyway. Whoever the guy is.]
A place to stay for the night. Can you fucking believe it? All that for somewhere to sleep.
[her hands clench and unclench on the bedspread as she tries desperately not to get upset again. she'd thought she was over this after finally getting to land a mean right hook onto Kangmo, but as usual she'd seriously underestimated her own feelings. the situation had been nearly all of her fears rolled into a single moment, and you don't just walk away from that.]
He lives with the creep that killed Kaneki, and he was terrified that he'd be next because the guy was already pretty weird about him.
[she looks up finally, expression fierce and so obviously a mask for the way her voice hitches and lip wobbles.]
He could have just fucking said that to start with! I would have let him have the room, he didn't have to do that! Who the hell even does that anyway? How can anyone even think about that after seeing-
[nope, it's too much. Hazel cuts herself off as her face crumples, eyes clenched tightly together for a brief moment as she tries to reign herself in.
who could see a person so completely vulnerable, bare and prostrate at another's feet and in so much pain, and think that was something to exploit? had he felt any of that? had he heard her screaming in her mind? even if she was dead, didn't that mean something?]
[There's no two ways around it. Hazel was right, and Josuke is angry.
But he's not angry with her. Disappointed that he hadn't been told any of this, especially as it took place the night he came to her about Kaneki's murder, but he also understands. Hazel has wanted to protect herself from others finding out about what she is...since day one. And Josuke recognizes her reasons for wanting to do so. In fact, that someone would use knowledge of her being undead against her just proves she wasn't wrong in being so guarded in the first place!
It's disgusting...that level of selfishness. And even if Josuke sympathizes with how someone must have felt living under the same roof as Suzuya, it didn't excuse blackmail, particularly not of this variety, and especially not when Hazel is right, the fucking bastard could have just asked for help...]
Hey.
[He lays his pillow to the side and scoots forward, throws his arms around her shoulders and brings her close.]
It'll be okay. That guy... [Who knows where Suzuya can be found. But that's...not the issue here. So Josuke puts it from his mind.] ...he's not still holding that over you, is he?
'Cause I can knock him down a few pegs if you want. You just gotta say the word and I'll make sure he's sorry.
[that could not have been timed any better. Hazel leans into the physical support, holds onto it tightly as if it might disappear. although she's just as worked up as she was before, there's no ugly sobbing this time; she just shakes, too upset to even realize she's doing it.]
I don't know. I told him when he came over that I'd do a lot more than punch him in the face if he ever tried that again, but it's not like a promise means much anymore.
[what had it gotten her last time? peace until he'd needed something? it wasn't very encouraging. her eyes flick up to Josuke, and for a brief moment she flashes a wry grin that, while tired, is at least free of sadness.]
He might shit his pants if you ever came around to kick his ass, though. All I did was hit him once and he wouldn't get near me the rest of the night.
[Josuke doesn't condone a lot of violence, but man...sometimes people just ask for a good ol' right hook. In fact, when it comes to certain people, that's the only way to get a message across!
So, if he looks impressed with Hazel—and he does, a smirk splitting his face from ear-to-ear—that's because he is.]
Good for you! Sounds like he had it coming.
[He squeezes a bit more tightly before letting go, but he doesn't move away or sit back against his headboard again. Doesn't want Hazel to feel like comfort is out of reach if she still needs more.]
I wouldn't mind scaring the piss out of him, you know. And I can think of a dozen ways to go about it. Bet the guy can't see my Stand, for starters. 'Could make him think he was haunted by ghosts if I wanted to! Or go for a good old fashioned ass kicking. For some people the threat of knocked out teeth works as good as anything!
[Hazel scrubs at her face vigorously, like she's actually expecting for there to be something on it she needs to wipe off. she's pulling herself back together slowly, but just the reassurance of sitting close is helpful.]
Well, I'm sure as hell not going to stop you. His name's Kangmo, but you don't have to go looking for him or anything; I made him a copy of the house key, he comes around pretty often.
[a copy of the house key that she didn't need to get him in the first place, go on and ask about that. she pauses, looking briefly contemplative.]
...actually, if you're going to beat him up, make sure I'm home. I kind of want to watch.
[this is the first time that Hazel's actually said this aloud, and she realizes (belatedly, alas) how completely ridiculous it is. she grimaces a little and holds her hands up defensively.]
Don't look at me like that! I offered it to him, that wasn't part of the blackmail thing!
[which. just makes it sound even more like she's come completely unhinged, doesn't it. she exhales and runs a hand through her hair. she really was a mess, wasn't she.]
Look...even if he does spend one night somewhere else, he still has to live with that nutcase, right? And that's super shitty and probably scary as hell. And - everybody needs somewhere to go, don't they? Somewhere safe.
[it's strange, having to explain this. she hadn't given it a second thought when she'd made the offer, had just thrown it at Kangmo with the same sort of bluntness she'd been delivering most of her replies with.
he was an asshole, sure, but he should still be able to feel safe somewhere. Hazel knows what it's like not to have that.]
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deadtective) wrote2015-01-08 01:21 am
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That's kind of an overreaction, don't you think? I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding and there's a perfectly good explanation you haven't heard yet. Nobody's got any reason to distrust you, you're a cool guy.
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I'm pretty sure I'm not overreacting, Hazel! Do you wanna know why I say that? 'Course you do, because I'm a cool guy, I'm a great friend who tells you stuff and doesn't hide things from you! So here's why. This thing I'm talking about? It happened a few weeks back. There's been plenty of time between then and now for this friend of mine to talk to me about what happened, but instead I didn't hear a lick about it until the one responsible for the danger showed up and told me himself! Now, you gotta agree with me, right? You see where I'm coming from and why this is so upsetting?
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she exhales softly, a quiet little missable sound, and decides to just cut through all this vague bullshit and get right down to it. there was no need to keep torturing herself like this.]
Ok, if this is what I think it is - you were already upset enough, there was no way I was going to say something and make it all about me. And afterwards it didn't matter anymore, so why would I bring it up? It's finished.
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[Letting her cut to the chase. Might as well, he wasn't going to drag it out much longer anyway. He was building up to this. To a more direct confrontation.]
I don't need you to protect my feelings, Hazel. I've never needed that from anybody, and I don't want it. All I want from you is to respect that I've always been honest with you about important shit and to give what you get. If that's asking too much...you might as well tell me here and now so I know exactly where it is we stand.
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[there's a desperate keen to her words now, not quite pleading but certainly urgent. this wasn't a conversation that she wanted or was prepared for, and now Hazel's found herself stumbling through emotions she hasn't even given words to in her own private moments. she wants to be understood so badly, but she's struggling when she can't even quite understand herself.]
I'm not - I don't have that many friends and you're all putting up with me anyway and this is all I can do. I don't have anything good to give, but I can keep the garbage to myself.
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It's not garbage to me. If you don't want my help with things, if you want to do them on you're own, that's fine. I can respect that. People need space to be themselves, to handle things on their own sometimes. But you gotta tell me these things beforehand, you know? Because...when I find out like this, from someone else, and when I find out weeks too late?
All I can think about is...
[Quietly:]
...what if I lost you too. What if I didn't know something bad had happened until it'd already gone down? What if nobody finds you and you're just left there all alone and...
[He trails off. Takes a second to...swallow. To reel back in his composure. Or the pieces of it.]
You might not think a lot of yourself, Hazel...but that doesn't mean I think the same way. Do you know what I mean?
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if she had a better handle on herself there'd be some little quip now. about how she was as unshakeable as gum on someone's shoe, or that he should take things up with whoever made her schedule, or even how death wasn't that terrible. some kind of shield to deflect the concern.
but there's none of that now. it's one thing to hear a friend say they were worried about her (rare enough on its own) and quite another to hear Josuke confess to fears that she's locked away in her own heart since her resurrection. if she died again, who would be there? who would care?
it was too much. it was all too much in a beautifully overwhelming way. she was just as important to Josuke as he was to her, and Hazel has no idea what to do with that information except to keep making hideous noises.]
'm not going anywhere.
[her first words, and they're broken and nearly incoherent thanks to the unnecessary face rubbing she's doing as she speaks.
right, talking. Jesus, how does she do that again? Hazel needs to take another breath, for her mind rather than her lungs, before she can put out something slightly less emotional.]
I'm not doing it on purpose. I'm just not used to...being important to someone anymore. [or saying it. her voice wobbles again.]
...sorry.
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Josuke knows what most of those sounds mean because he's made quite a few of them himself lately! Just...not around other people. (The damp cheeks around Kaneki don't count, either! Because he hadn't been blubbering or hiccuping like a total idiot. He'd checked himself, thank you!)]
...you done yet? [There's a sudden softness to his tone, but it's also tinged with amusement.] I didn't call to listen crappy beat boxing.
[But more seriously.]
Just...try and keep it in mind going forward, okay? 'Cause I've honestly had enough of finding things out way too late. Oh, and about not going anywhere. You can...come over here if you wanna. I won't bitch about that.
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[there's no energy in her return, but there is an audible sort of smile instead. it's ok. everything is going to be ok.
...which means she should open up all the way about that day, shouldn't she? it was only right, and this was something she had wanted to talk about.]
But I'd really like to come over, yeah. It's just - uh, since we're being honest, that wasn't the only thing that happened. Should we talk about that when I show up..?
[this one's definitely going to make him angry. she's not exactly sure he'd want to hear about it in person - or maybe she's still not comfortable with being this upfront about her problems.]
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Yeah, might as well tell me when you get here.
[It'll give them both time to prepare for whatever it is she's gotta say.]
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[she almost tacks on 'don't get mad' but decides to just leave well enough alone. it's not too long after that she's at his door, anyway - just enough for her to psych herself up to the point that she's not going to chicken out and bolt.]
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Anyway, by the time the knock comes, Josuke is...well, he's not sure if he's ready, but he's decided he's probably about as ready as he'll get, so he goes to answer it, pulling open the door and inviting Hazel inside.]
We can talk in my room. More privacy that way.
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Housemates eavesdropping on your phone calls, huh?
[ha ha. ha.]
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Nah, it's not like that, but I figure if you got something to say...it's probably best just to keep it between us and not involve other people.
[He gestures to the chair at his desk or his bed. She can sit wherever, but he's claiming the headboard with a pillow at his back, arms crossed so he can stare at her. Ready when you are, Hazel.]
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[she wouldn't have a part two to this whole debacle if other people hadn't gotten involved, after all.
Hazel takes the remainder of the bed rather than the chair, as it feels a little less like an interrogation that way. she's slumped more than a little, like it's going to deflect anything that might come her way. time to bite the bullet.]
Ok, so. I have to go back a little bit first because otherwise nothing's going to make sense. Do you remember when everybody thought they were pirates and space ninjas and whatever? And they made that vaccine for it, but it just started barfing your memories at other people instead?
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[He almost smiles at that. Almost.]
What about it?
[Because that IS going back a ways now. What the hell's she hiding?]
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[she pauses, voice and gaze dropping for a moment. she doesn't like to think about the night she was brought back, even (or especially?) in moments like this. in many ways it was far worse than her death had ever been.]
I thought it was ok, you know? I mean, the guy it happened to didn't take it well - I think I could have leaned too close and stopped his heart if I'd wanted to - but he promised he wouldn't say anything. And nothing happened for so long, I really thought it was alright.
[she frowns. my, her hands are certainly interesting right now. maybe if she stares at them hard enough she'll be able to mask all the hurt that recalling this is conjuring back up.]
My fault for thinking I could be lucky, I guess. The day everything blew up he called me...and he wanted to know how much I wanted everything to stay a secret.
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And now? He's really glad he didn't get it. Last thing he needs is people rifling around in his memories, but...he suspects that's the last thing anybody needs. Hazel especially.
Which makes him want to reach out for a second, maybe put his hand on hers. He knows how guarded she's tried to be, and he understands her reasons. Not everyone's accepting of people who are different, understanding of those whose circumstances are completely beyond their control. But he doesn't reach for her. Because she continues speaking a second later and then it's everything he can do not to start pulling seams out of his pillowcase.]
...yeah, what'd he want in exchange?
[Because if he didn't ask for a knuckle sandwich, maybe he should have. Not that he needs to. Josuke'd be happy to give him one anyway. Whoever the guy is.]
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[her hands clench and unclench on the bedspread as she tries desperately not to get upset again. she'd thought she was over this after finally getting to land a mean right hook onto Kangmo, but as usual she'd seriously underestimated her own feelings. the situation had been nearly all of her fears rolled into a single moment, and you don't just walk away from that.]
He lives with the creep that killed Kaneki, and he was terrified that he'd be next because the guy was already pretty weird about him.
[she looks up finally, expression fierce and so obviously a mask for the way her voice hitches and lip wobbles.]
He could have just fucking said that to start with! I would have let him have the room, he didn't have to do that! Who the hell even does that anyway? How can anyone even think about that after seeing-
[nope, it's too much. Hazel cuts herself off as her face crumples, eyes clenched tightly together for a brief moment as she tries to reign herself in.
who could see a person so completely vulnerable, bare and prostrate at another's feet and in so much pain, and think that was something to exploit? had he felt any of that? had he heard her screaming in her mind? even if she was dead, didn't that mean something?]
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But he's not angry with her. Disappointed that he hadn't been told any of this, especially as it took place the night he came to her about Kaneki's murder, but he also understands. Hazel has wanted to protect herself from others finding out about what she is...since day one. And Josuke recognizes her reasons for wanting to do so. In fact, that someone would use knowledge of her being undead against her just proves she wasn't wrong in being so guarded in the first place!
It's disgusting...that level of selfishness. And even if Josuke sympathizes with how someone must have felt living under the same roof as Suzuya, it didn't excuse blackmail, particularly not of this variety, and especially not when Hazel is right, the fucking bastard could have just asked for help...]
Hey.
[He lays his pillow to the side and scoots forward, throws his arms around her shoulders and brings her close.]
It'll be okay. That guy... [Who knows where Suzuya can be found. But that's...not the issue here. So Josuke puts it from his mind.] ...he's not still holding that over you, is he?
'Cause I can knock him down a few pegs if you want. You just gotta say the word and I'll make sure he's sorry.
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I don't know. I told him when he came over that I'd do a lot more than punch him in the face if he ever tried that again, but it's not like a promise means much anymore.
[what had it gotten her last time? peace until he'd needed something? it wasn't very encouraging. her eyes flick up to Josuke, and for a brief moment she flashes a wry grin that, while tired, is at least free of sadness.]
He might shit his pants if you ever came around to kick his ass, though. All I did was hit him once and he wouldn't get near me the rest of the night.
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[Josuke doesn't condone a lot of violence, but man...sometimes people just ask for a good ol' right hook. In fact, when it comes to certain people, that's the only way to get a message across!
So, if he looks impressed with Hazel—and he does, a smirk splitting his face from ear-to-ear—that's because he is.]
Good for you! Sounds like he had it coming.
[He squeezes a bit more tightly before letting go, but he doesn't move away or sit back against his headboard again. Doesn't want Hazel to feel like comfort is out of reach if she still needs more.]
I wouldn't mind scaring the piss out of him, you know. And I can think of a dozen ways to go about it. Bet the guy can't see my Stand, for starters. 'Could make him think he was haunted by ghosts if I wanted to! Or go for a good old fashioned ass kicking. For some people the threat of knocked out teeth works as good as anything!
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Well, I'm sure as hell not going to stop you. His name's Kangmo, but you don't have to go looking for him or anything; I made him a copy of the house key, he comes around pretty often.
[a copy of the house key that she didn't need to get him in the first place, go on and ask about that. she pauses, looking briefly contemplative.]
...actually, if you're going to beat him up, make sure I'm home. I kind of want to watch.
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Don't look at me like that! I offered it to him, that wasn't part of the blackmail thing!
[which. just makes it sound even more like she's come completely unhinged, doesn't it. she exhales and runs a hand through her hair. she really was a mess, wasn't she.]
Look...even if he does spend one night somewhere else, he still has to live with that nutcase, right? And that's super shitty and probably scary as hell. And - everybody needs somewhere to go, don't they? Somewhere safe.
[it's strange, having to explain this. she hadn't given it a second thought when she'd made the offer, had just thrown it at Kangmo with the same sort of bluntness she'd been delivering most of her replies with.
he was an asshole, sure, but he should still be able to feel safe somewhere. Hazel knows what it's like not to have that.]
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