[she feels very small. it's the same acute awareness of her own fragility that flashes into being when she used to be confronted with some awful thing she couldn't fight at home, but this is different - there's so much that she could do here, and that, paradoxically, is what's making her feel so tiny. the possibilities threaten to swallow her up.]
I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
[Funny she should say that when the people he seems most attracted to are those often considered train wrecks by others. Some might liken that to his propensity for fixing things, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As far as Josuke is concerned, there are simply some things in this world that are better for their flaws, and people are one of them.]
Hey, slow down. You gotta gimme a chance to respond.
[Not that he knows what to say, only that he needs to say something. Anything that might bring her sobbing to a halt, that might lift her spirits again and reassure her that this is a thing they can work together through. That it's worth it to try.
In fact, it's one of the most worthwhile things Josuke has come across in a long time.]
I don't think you're being fair talking like this. I mean, you seem to be forgetting how often you gotta deal with my shit, too. I don't exactly make things easy for you, Hazel. I'm just as much of a train wreck in my own way...but I can't say I've ever met a person who wasn't one that was as worth knowing as you are.
Whether it's just as friends or...whatever, you know? I wouldn't give any of it up.
[for a moment or two his response just makes her cry harder. it's her natural reaction to heartfelt compliments exacerbated by her current emotional weakness, and the sound would be comical if it were any time but now. when Hazel does finally manage to speak, her voice is still thick with not-tears.]
Alright, I take it back - you are an idiot.
[she chokes it out with a watery laugh, trying to throw something light out in the midst of everything else. it's stupid and flimsy, but it provides a divider between her outburst and what she's going to say next. Hazel wants these words to stand on their own, not be overshadowed by the dark things in her own mind. it was important in some stupid symbolic way that she herself doesn't really understand.]
...but I want to try.
[she looks up at him now, meets his gaze and holds it. there's a veritable sea of uncertainties sloshing around her, but this? it isn't one of them. Hazel is so sure of what she feels, what she wants, that she can look him in the eyes without a hint of embarrassment or shame.
her hands, which had fallen to her side and balled up into tight little fists in some vain attempt to protect herself, fall open. she brings one of them up to rest on his chest now, seeking out that beating heart one more time. maybe it wasn't selfish. maybe, just once (just when it matters most) she can let herself stop running and be happy.
honestly, she can't think of anyone better to make that exception for.]
[If this were any other time, Josuke might tease Hazel, but because it's now, with the both of them having just ridden another emotional roller coaster together? He's feeling a lot more sensitive and like the good friend he can be (instead of the massive shit he often is) now that he's got a good reason.]
I've been called worse, you know.
[And he means it, he has been. But in the end, names are just words, and the only words that've got sting enough to cause him any worry are Echoes'. In fact, being called an idiot by Hazel has actually come to feel a lot more endearing than insulting over time, especially now with it acting as the divider that it is.
Because what comes after? Well, it really makes Josuke smile.
Whatever this is, Hazel wants to try. That's all he could really ask for, to be honest. And just like that, she's given him exactly what he'd hoped for without knowing for the longest time that he'd even had a hope for it at all! Kind of a strange feeling, but not unpleasant now that the sharp edge of anticipation has been blunted.]
I'm glad that's your answer, though. 'Cause I wanna try, too.
[she can't help saying it, even if the incredulous laughter that accompanies it is meant more for the situation at hand. it feels surreal in the best way, like someone's lifted a weight she didn't know she was carrying. this was going to be as troublesome as anything else they'd gotten into, but they'd be facing it together. nothing even a pair of dumbasses couldn't handle.]
I tried to warn you, so any bullshit that happens is your fault now.
[she's teasing, impossibly gentle, and more than a little bit of a cover for her next action. with a little rock of her heels she tiptoes up to kiss that wonderful smile - lightning fast, done before she can lose her nerve. it's fine to do that now, right..?]
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deadtective) wrote2015-01-08 01:21 am
no subject
I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
no subject
Hey, slow down. You gotta gimme a chance to respond.
[Not that he knows what to say, only that he needs to say something. Anything that might bring her sobbing to a halt, that might lift her spirits again and reassure her that this is a thing they can work together through. That it's worth it to try.
In fact, it's one of the most worthwhile things Josuke has come across in a long time.]
I don't think you're being fair talking like this. I mean, you seem to be forgetting how often you gotta deal with my shit, too. I don't exactly make things easy for you, Hazel. I'm just as much of a train wreck in my own way...but I can't say I've ever met a person who wasn't one that was as worth knowing as you are.
Whether it's just as friends or...whatever, you know? I wouldn't give any of it up.
no subject
Alright, I take it back - you are an idiot.
[she chokes it out with a watery laugh, trying to throw something light out in the midst of everything else. it's stupid and flimsy, but it provides a divider between her outburst and what she's going to say next. Hazel wants these words to stand on their own, not be overshadowed by the dark things in her own mind. it was important in some stupid symbolic way that she herself doesn't really understand.]
...but I want to try.
[she looks up at him now, meets his gaze and holds it. there's a veritable sea of uncertainties sloshing around her, but this? it isn't one of them. Hazel is so sure of what she feels, what she wants, that she can look him in the eyes without a hint of embarrassment or shame.
her hands, which had fallen to her side and balled up into tight little fists in some vain attempt to protect herself, fall open. she brings one of them up to rest on his chest now, seeking out that beating heart one more time. maybe it wasn't selfish. maybe, just once (just when it matters most) she can let herself stop running and be happy.
honestly, she can't think of anyone better to make that exception for.]
Whatever this is, I want to try.
no subject
I've been called worse, you know.
[And he means it, he has been. But in the end, names are just words, and the only words that've got sting enough to cause him any worry are Echoes'. In fact, being called an idiot by Hazel has actually come to feel a lot more endearing than insulting over time, especially now with it acting as the divider that it is.
Because what comes after? Well, it really makes Josuke smile.
Whatever this is, Hazel wants to try. That's all he could really ask for, to be honest. And just like that, she's given him exactly what he'd hoped for without knowing for the longest time that he'd even had a hope for it at all! Kind of a strange feeling, but not unpleasant now that the sharp edge of anticipation has been blunted.]
I'm glad that's your answer, though. 'Cause I wanna try, too.
no subject
[she can't help saying it, even if the incredulous laughter that accompanies it is meant more for the situation at hand. it feels surreal in the best way, like someone's lifted a weight she didn't know she was carrying. this was going to be as troublesome as anything else they'd gotten into, but they'd be facing it together. nothing even a pair of dumbasses couldn't handle.]
I tried to warn you, so any bullshit that happens is your fault now.
[she's teasing, impossibly gentle, and more than a little bit of a cover for her next action. with a little rock of her heels she tiptoes up to kiss that wonderful smile - lightning fast, done before she can lose her nerve. it's fine to do that now, right..?]