Josuke hadn't let anything happen! The torch he carried for Hazel was as surprising to her as it was to him, and no more in his control, besides. He'd done what he'd could to ignore his romantic feelings, had been of the opinion when he'd begun to realize them that they would pass given enough time—and even if they didn't, they couldn't possibly be reciprocated because Hazel and him were just friends.
What he'd failed to consider was the simple fact that one could only sweep so much of something under the carpet before it reared its head again. His feelings had been building up and up for a long time, longer than even he'd been aware. Was it really any wonder they were now messily spilling out everywhere? In the clumsy way he'd bumped Hazel's nose when he'd first leaned towards her; in the way his breath caught and his heart quickened when she giggled at him; the way he held her tighter as their lips finally met; and in the way he couldn't keep from briefly peeking past his eyelashes to try and gauge for himself if she was really as happy as she sounded...
After all, for all the girls back home who'd shown an interest in him, he had never actually kissed any of them. This was new territory for Josuke who, back in Morioh, seemed to know all about how to woo a girl without having actually wooed one.
Which would have made this moment much scarier if not for one of Hazel's hands coming to rest upon his cheek, the other upon his chest, because that was all it took for him to feel less terrified of not having stopped this from going as far as it had. Even without words, Josuke knew at once that Hazel felt the same as him and that, if nothing else, replenished some of his confidence. Enough that he remembered to breathe between the gentle brushing of her lips against his, not to stand there going blue in the face on the other end of their kiss. Enough that, when she allowed her vulnerabilities to rise to the surface, he actually felt aware of them—aware of her and the way that he made her feel.
Safe, he was sure, or she'd have pulled away already. Desired, he was certain, or he wouldn't have felt that way himself.
Though one hand remained upon the small of her back cradling her much smaller frame against his own, his right found its way into the short locks of her hair. Tucking them behind one ear with care, as much a gesture of reassurance as it was tenderness.
She'd never been anything but human to him. Never been anything but special. She had to know how special that made this moment, too...right?]
[I don't want to forget this. it's the only thought that comes through clearly in the hailstorm of emotions. every bit of Josuke right now, all of the things smashing through her hollow insides...she wants to fix it just as it is and lock it away forever. there was never going to be anything better than this moment.
when he puts some runaway strands of hair behind her ear, she wants to cry. it's such a simple motion and such a stupid reaction, but the silent message behind it is powerful enough to make her tremble for a few moments. it was fine. Hazel was trying so hard and for once, for the time it mattered the most, she was more than enough. it was a feeling worthier of tears than she'd ever admit.
even in moments where time feels as if it were suspended, things end. Hazel eventually breaks the kiss with a quiet sigh equal parts content and melancholy, not from desire but her own feelings becoming too much to manage and (a surreal epiphany) the realization that Josuke actually has to breath through all this. she only pulls back enough to end things, wanting to remember this part too - but a wave of embarrassment rolls over her with shocking force, sending her face into a retreat against his chest before she's even completed more than three traced circles on his cheek with her thumb.
she can't look at him right now. words are out of the question, her bravery only extending far enough to pull her hand off his face so she can wrap it around his torso instead and hold tight. for that she still feels on the edge of tears, however, she can't stop smiling and smiling. how could she not?
very soon she's going to have to keep her promise to herself and do right by Josuke, keeping him from tying himself to someone as awful as her. but for the present she suspends her thoughts and allows herself to just revel in this closeness and the familiar feeling it brings - as always with Josuke, no matter what they're doing, she feels like herself. no living, no dead...just Hazel.
to have that now, at the peak of things...it's a wonder she hasn't started making those awful blubbering noises yet.]
[Josuke's not sure what he expected to have happen in the moments immediately following his and Hazel's kiss, but it certainly wasn't having her bury her face against him. If he hadn't first caught a glimpse of the smile lightly tugging at the corners of her mouth, he'd have thought he'd done something wrong.
Of course, even now he's not certain he's done everything right. She may be holding onto him instead of pulling away, but she's not exactly meeting his eyes, either. Does that mean she's feeling safe? Or does it mean the opposite and that he's somehow failed to make her feel completely comfortable?
He hates that he doesn't know, but hates more that he's even wondering, that he'd let such thoughts interrupt this moment. After all, insecurities aside, he's actually pretty happy, and if he's not mistaken...she appears to be, too. While it isn't the first time he's held Hazel, it's the first time he's held her like this—and it's nice. So he tries for now to focus on that.
Because, in the end, that's what she deserves. His trust in her that she would tell him if something were actually wrong. As well as his best attempts at being both patient and understanding.]
You know, you keep this up and I'm gonna wind up using your head as a chin rest.
[Or at least his best attempts at breaking up the awkward tension between them.]
[the sudden speech jolts her out of whatever thoughtless drifting she'd been doing, and the actual words startle a laugh out of her. it's sincere but sort of wobbly, unable to completely extricate itself from the mess that her other feelings are right now.]
You'd cramp your neck if you tried.
[just this once, she'll pull a jab at her height along a little further. but only because it's already such a self-indulgent moment.
Hazel moves her head off him, assuming that's what he's gently poking her to do, but she still won't look up to meet his eyes. she's turning things over in her mind now, trying to find a way to say that she can't do this even though she wants to so badly; it just wasn't fair to let someone like Josuke tie himself down to something like her. it was too selfish, even for Hazel.]
So, this is...what? Another thing we're going to pretend never happened?
[the same way that they'd agreed (and not quite succeeded) to wipe that awkward swear-in encounter from their minds? an event that, looking back now, the cause of which is so obvious that Hazel can only marvel at her determination to ignore it. but jealous of pigs, really? he was ridiculous.
in the end, she still can't spit out the denial that she honestly doesn't want to give. so she ends up with this, a hesitant question rather than an indication of her own preferences - if anything, she sounds a little miserable at the suggested course of action. maybe it's better to try and feel things out like this. there was an awful lot she was assuming and even more she just didn't know.
(maybe she should pull away now, too, but she remains. it's too comforting.)]
[Josuke manages a smile, but when she still refuses to look up at him, the doubts he'd been trying so hard to set aside begin creeping forward all over again.
Something is wrong.
But at least this time Hazel doesn't leave him wondering what it might be. That question comes before he has time to ask and he feels almost as though someone's driven the wind from his lungs with it.]
I don't...
[He doesn't know? No, that's not right. He knows very well what he wants, and it's not to pretend that this didn't happen. But he would, for her, if that's what she wanted. The trouble is, Josuke doesn't know what Hazel wants. She's not giving him any kind of clue at all—except she's asking rather than simply telling him she'd rather pretend. That has to mean something, right?]
No.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, Josuke places his hands on Hazel's shoulders and leans his forehead against the top of her head. His jealousy should speak volumes for him, but in case she needs things to be extra clear, he repeats again...]
No way. I don't wanna forget this or pretend it didn't happen. Why would I?
[she feels very small. it's the same acute awareness of her own fragility that flashes into being when she used to be confronted with some awful thing she couldn't fight at home, but this is different - there's so much that she could do here, and that, paradoxically, is what's making her feel so tiny. the possibilities threaten to swallow her up.]
I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
[Funny she should say that when the people he seems most attracted to are those often considered train wrecks by others. Some might liken that to his propensity for fixing things, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As far as Josuke is concerned, there are simply some things in this world that are better for their flaws, and people are one of them.]
Hey, slow down. You gotta gimme a chance to respond.
[Not that he knows what to say, only that he needs to say something. Anything that might bring her sobbing to a halt, that might lift her spirits again and reassure her that this is a thing they can work together through. That it's worth it to try.
In fact, it's one of the most worthwhile things Josuke has come across in a long time.]
I don't think you're being fair talking like this. I mean, you seem to be forgetting how often you gotta deal with my shit, too. I don't exactly make things easy for you, Hazel. I'm just as much of a train wreck in my own way...but I can't say I've ever met a person who wasn't one that was as worth knowing as you are.
Whether it's just as friends or...whatever, you know? I wouldn't give any of it up.
[for a moment or two his response just makes her cry harder. it's her natural reaction to heartfelt compliments exacerbated by her current emotional weakness, and the sound would be comical if it were any time but now. when Hazel does finally manage to speak, her voice is still thick with not-tears.]
Alright, I take it back - you are an idiot.
[she chokes it out with a watery laugh, trying to throw something light out in the midst of everything else. it's stupid and flimsy, but it provides a divider between her outburst and what she's going to say next. Hazel wants these words to stand on their own, not be overshadowed by the dark things in her own mind. it was important in some stupid symbolic way that she herself doesn't really understand.]
...but I want to try.
[she looks up at him now, meets his gaze and holds it. there's a veritable sea of uncertainties sloshing around her, but this? it isn't one of them. Hazel is so sure of what she feels, what she wants, that she can look him in the eyes without a hint of embarrassment or shame.
her hands, which had fallen to her side and balled up into tight little fists in some vain attempt to protect herself, fall open. she brings one of them up to rest on his chest now, seeking out that beating heart one more time. maybe it wasn't selfish. maybe, just once (just when it matters most) she can let herself stop running and be happy.
honestly, she can't think of anyone better to make that exception for.]
[If this were any other time, Josuke might tease Hazel, but because it's now, with the both of them having just ridden another emotional roller coaster together? He's feeling a lot more sensitive and like the good friend he can be (instead of the massive shit he often is) now that he's got a good reason.]
I've been called worse, you know.
[And he means it, he has been. But in the end, names are just words, and the only words that've got sting enough to cause him any worry are Echoes'. In fact, being called an idiot by Hazel has actually come to feel a lot more endearing than insulting over time, especially now with it acting as the divider that it is.
Because what comes after? Well, it really makes Josuke smile.
Whatever this is, Hazel wants to try. That's all he could really ask for, to be honest. And just like that, she's given him exactly what he'd hoped for without knowing for the longest time that he'd even had a hope for it at all! Kind of a strange feeling, but not unpleasant now that the sharp edge of anticipation has been blunted.]
I'm glad that's your answer, though. 'Cause I wanna try, too.
[she can't help saying it, even if the incredulous laughter that accompanies it is meant more for the situation at hand. it feels surreal in the best way, like someone's lifted a weight she didn't know she was carrying. this was going to be as troublesome as anything else they'd gotten into, but they'd be facing it together. nothing even a pair of dumbasses couldn't handle.]
I tried to warn you, so any bullshit that happens is your fault now.
[she's teasing, impossibly gentle, and more than a little bit of a cover for her next action. with a little rock of her heels she tiptoes up to kiss that wonderful smile - lightning fast, done before she can lose her nerve. it's fine to do that now, right..?]
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deadtective) wrote2015-01-08 01:21 am
no subject
Josuke hadn't let anything happen! The torch he carried for Hazel was as surprising to her as it was to him, and no more in his control, besides. He'd done what he'd could to ignore his romantic feelings, had been of the opinion when he'd begun to realize them that they would pass given enough time—and even if they didn't, they couldn't possibly be reciprocated because Hazel and him were just friends.
What he'd failed to consider was the simple fact that one could only sweep so much of something under the carpet before it reared its head again. His feelings had been building up and up for a long time, longer than even he'd been aware. Was it really any wonder they were now messily spilling out everywhere? In the clumsy way he'd bumped Hazel's nose when he'd first leaned towards her; in the way his breath caught and his heart quickened when she giggled at him; the way he held her tighter as their lips finally met; and in the way he couldn't keep from briefly peeking past his eyelashes to try and gauge for himself if she was really as happy as she sounded...
After all, for all the girls back home who'd shown an interest in him, he had never actually kissed any of them. This was new territory for Josuke who, back in Morioh, seemed to know all about how to woo a girl without having actually wooed one.
Which would have made this moment much scarier if not for one of Hazel's hands coming to rest upon his cheek, the other upon his chest, because that was all it took for him to feel less terrified of not having stopped this from going as far as it had. Even without words, Josuke knew at once that Hazel felt the same as him and that, if nothing else, replenished some of his confidence. Enough that he remembered to breathe between the gentle brushing of her lips against his, not to stand there going blue in the face on the other end of their kiss. Enough that, when she allowed her vulnerabilities to rise to the surface, he actually felt aware of them—aware of her and the way that he made her feel.
Safe, he was sure, or she'd have pulled away already. Desired, he was certain, or he wouldn't have felt that way himself.
Though one hand remained upon the small of her back cradling her much smaller frame against his own, his right found its way into the short locks of her hair. Tucking them behind one ear with care, as much a gesture of reassurance as it was tenderness.
She'd never been anything but human to him. Never been anything but special. She had to know how special that made this moment, too...right?]
no subject
when he puts some runaway strands of hair behind her ear, she wants to cry. it's such a simple motion and such a stupid reaction, but the silent message behind it is powerful enough to make her tremble for a few moments. it was fine. Hazel was trying so hard and for once, for the time it mattered the most, she was more than enough. it was a feeling worthier of tears than she'd ever admit.
even in moments where time feels as if it were suspended, things end. Hazel eventually breaks the kiss with a quiet sigh equal parts content and melancholy, not from desire but her own feelings becoming too much to manage and (a surreal epiphany) the realization that Josuke actually has to breath through all this. she only pulls back enough to end things, wanting to remember this part too - but a wave of embarrassment rolls over her with shocking force, sending her face into a retreat against his chest before she's even completed more than three traced circles on his cheek with her thumb.
she can't look at him right now. words are out of the question, her bravery only extending far enough to pull her hand off his face so she can wrap it around his torso instead and hold tight. for that she still feels on the edge of tears, however, she can't stop smiling and smiling. how could she not?
very soon she's going to have to keep her promise to herself and do right by Josuke, keeping him from tying himself to someone as awful as her. but for the present she suspends her thoughts and allows herself to just revel in this closeness and the familiar feeling it brings - as always with Josuke, no matter what they're doing, she feels like herself. no living, no dead...just Hazel.
to have that now, at the peak of things...it's a wonder she hasn't started making those awful blubbering noises yet.]
no subject
Of course, even now he's not certain he's done everything right. She may be holding onto him instead of pulling away, but she's not exactly meeting his eyes, either. Does that mean she's feeling safe? Or does it mean the opposite and that he's somehow failed to make her feel completely comfortable?
He hates that he doesn't know, but hates more that he's even wondering, that he'd let such thoughts interrupt this moment. After all, insecurities aside, he's actually pretty happy, and if he's not mistaken...she appears to be, too. While it isn't the first time he's held Hazel, it's the first time he's held her like this—and it's nice. So he tries for now to focus on that.
Because, in the end, that's what she deserves. His trust in her that she would tell him if something were actually wrong. As well as his best attempts at being both patient and understanding.]
You know, you keep this up and I'm gonna wind up using your head as a chin rest.
[Or at least his best attempts at breaking up the awkward tension between them.]
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You'd cramp your neck if you tried.
[just this once, she'll pull a jab at her height along a little further. but only because it's already such a self-indulgent moment.
Hazel moves her head off him, assuming that's what he's gently poking her to do, but she still won't look up to meet his eyes. she's turning things over in her mind now, trying to find a way to say that she can't do this even though she wants to so badly; it just wasn't fair to let someone like Josuke tie himself down to something like her. it was too selfish, even for Hazel.]
So, this is...what? Another thing we're going to pretend never happened?
[the same way that they'd agreed (and not quite succeeded) to wipe that awkward swear-in encounter from their minds? an event that, looking back now, the cause of which is so obvious that Hazel can only marvel at her determination to ignore it. but jealous of pigs, really? he was ridiculous.
in the end, she still can't spit out the denial that she honestly doesn't want to give. so she ends up with this, a hesitant question rather than an indication of her own preferences - if anything, she sounds a little miserable at the suggested course of action. maybe it's better to try and feel things out like this. there was an awful lot she was assuming and even more she just didn't know.
(maybe she should pull away now, too, but she remains. it's too comforting.)]
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[Josuke manages a smile, but when she still refuses to look up at him, the doubts he'd been trying so hard to set aside begin creeping forward all over again.
Something is wrong.
But at least this time Hazel doesn't leave him wondering what it might be. That question comes before he has time to ask and he feels almost as though someone's driven the wind from his lungs with it.]
I don't...
[He doesn't know? No, that's not right. He knows very well what he wants, and it's not to pretend that this didn't happen. But he would, for her, if that's what she wanted. The trouble is, Josuke doesn't know what Hazel wants. She's not giving him any kind of clue at all—except she's asking rather than simply telling him she'd rather pretend. That has to mean something, right?]
No.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, Josuke places his hands on Hazel's shoulders and leans his forehead against the top of her head. His jealousy should speak volumes for him, but in case she needs things to be extra clear, he repeats again...]
No way. I don't wanna forget this or pretend it didn't happen. Why would I?
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I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
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Hey, slow down. You gotta gimme a chance to respond.
[Not that he knows what to say, only that he needs to say something. Anything that might bring her sobbing to a halt, that might lift her spirits again and reassure her that this is a thing they can work together through. That it's worth it to try.
In fact, it's one of the most worthwhile things Josuke has come across in a long time.]
I don't think you're being fair talking like this. I mean, you seem to be forgetting how often you gotta deal with my shit, too. I don't exactly make things easy for you, Hazel. I'm just as much of a train wreck in my own way...but I can't say I've ever met a person who wasn't one that was as worth knowing as you are.
Whether it's just as friends or...whatever, you know? I wouldn't give any of it up.
no subject
Alright, I take it back - you are an idiot.
[she chokes it out with a watery laugh, trying to throw something light out in the midst of everything else. it's stupid and flimsy, but it provides a divider between her outburst and what she's going to say next. Hazel wants these words to stand on their own, not be overshadowed by the dark things in her own mind. it was important in some stupid symbolic way that she herself doesn't really understand.]
...but I want to try.
[she looks up at him now, meets his gaze and holds it. there's a veritable sea of uncertainties sloshing around her, but this? it isn't one of them. Hazel is so sure of what she feels, what she wants, that she can look him in the eyes without a hint of embarrassment or shame.
her hands, which had fallen to her side and balled up into tight little fists in some vain attempt to protect herself, fall open. she brings one of them up to rest on his chest now, seeking out that beating heart one more time. maybe it wasn't selfish. maybe, just once (just when it matters most) she can let herself stop running and be happy.
honestly, she can't think of anyone better to make that exception for.]
Whatever this is, I want to try.
no subject
I've been called worse, you know.
[And he means it, he has been. But in the end, names are just words, and the only words that've got sting enough to cause him any worry are Echoes'. In fact, being called an idiot by Hazel has actually come to feel a lot more endearing than insulting over time, especially now with it acting as the divider that it is.
Because what comes after? Well, it really makes Josuke smile.
Whatever this is, Hazel wants to try. That's all he could really ask for, to be honest. And just like that, she's given him exactly what he'd hoped for without knowing for the longest time that he'd even had a hope for it at all! Kind of a strange feeling, but not unpleasant now that the sharp edge of anticipation has been blunted.]
I'm glad that's your answer, though. 'Cause I wanna try, too.
no subject
[she can't help saying it, even if the incredulous laughter that accompanies it is meant more for the situation at hand. it feels surreal in the best way, like someone's lifted a weight she didn't know she was carrying. this was going to be as troublesome as anything else they'd gotten into, but they'd be facing it together. nothing even a pair of dumbasses couldn't handle.]
I tried to warn you, so any bullshit that happens is your fault now.
[she's teasing, impossibly gentle, and more than a little bit of a cover for her next action. with a little rock of her heels she tiptoes up to kiss that wonderful smile - lightning fast, done before she can lose her nerve. it's fine to do that now, right..?]