I don't know, you're looking a little hot under the collar to me...
[there must be something criminal about complaining about possible bad puns and then immediately using own yourself, but Hazel doesn't give a single fuck. that was an amazing use of wordplay and everyone should be impressed.]
You know the pumpkin's not even lit up, right?
[poor Josuke, without even the heat from a jack-o-lantern candle to blame some of his situation on. this truly must be what the inner circles of hell look like - and no wonder, considering how much of a good time it looks like Hazel's having.]
[Actually, it kind of is! Or it would be if maybe he weren't the butt of this particular joke! Man, could they be doing this anywhere else right now? He'd really like to be doing this anywhere else...]
I'm fine, it's just—it's this room, it's stuffy in here!
[Yeah, that's a great excuse, right? Totally incontestable! It's a spare room that doesn't see a whole lot of use besides the time Hazel spends in here working, it's not as though the airflow is great, and it smells strongly of paint and pumpkins. Anyone who needs to breathe would be having some kind of reaction! It's not his fault!
But going on the defensive, that's just going to make Hazel's grin grow exponentially, and while Josuke likes seeing her happy...he hates losing.]
Hmm...you don't mind this, though? I mean, you like it?
[So, maybe now's the time to attack. Fight fire with fire, as they say—which may actually be the only way Josuke can beat the heat threatening to color his cheeks. So he takes a determined step closer to Hazel, the shrunken head in his hands providing the only breadth between them.]
If you can figure out how to put the pumpkin down you could just walk out.
[she's not completely heartless, she'd let him complete this humiliation in the hallway or living room if he wanted. but the comment is ultimately pointless because as soon as she's finished saying it he's closing the gap as much as he can with it still in his hands rather than trying to get rid of the thing.
there's a brief moment where it looks like maybe Josuke's strategy is going to pay off as her insufferable grin falters for a minute once she catches onto the implication behind the question. but Hazel refuses to go down that easily and soon enough it's back, along with some dismissive noise and a completely nonchalant tone.]
What the hell kind of question is that? You're making it sound like we're doing something weird.
[which they're not - or at least, they've done weirder to the point where this no longer qualifies. definitely.
there's a pause as Hazel mentally teeters on the edge, unsure whether or not she should follow through with her first instinct. repressive as she is, there's still a part of her that feels like maybe going forward would be stepping into a place she couldn't return from. but the rest of her quickly smothers it; there's no reason to think that, and more importantly she definitely can't back down now. Josuke would be absolutely intolerable.
so she lifts his arms up gently, pumpkin and all, before ducking underneath the newly formed gap to stick her little self into the space the shrunken head had been protecting. Hazel's aware that she loses some positioning here as she tugs his arms back down around her (she has to slide her hands up to hold onto his forearms now) but the space is more important - Josuke himself had just made it so, after all.]
See? It's fine.
[her smile's a little smaller now as she looks up at him, but no less playful. can he beat that with all the crimson creeping up his face? she doubts it.]
[Though brief, the moment when Hazel's grin falters gives Josuke hope. As quick-witted as she can be, he can still find a way to put her in her place and come out of this thing on top. He need only play his cards right, pick and choose his words carefully...
...and his actions more so.
Unfortunately, both become a bit difficult when Hazel counters his advance with one of her own, accompanied by not just one veiled taunt, but two. And the worst of it is, as she positions herself within the inner circle of his arms shortly after bringing them down around her, he does nothing but stand there and watch. The way she looks up at him, her hands coming to rest upon his forearms, leaves his throat feeling tight, his face hot like the surface of the sun, and his mouth as dry as the Sahara.
It's 'fine' she says. Yeah, if 'fine' is being on the verge of spontaneous combustion.]
...um.
[He really, really wants to be able to recover, for that flicker of hope he'd had a moment earlier not to have been lost, but the more he tries to think of something to say, anything, the more he struggles to find words that aren't Kaneki's repeating in the back of his mind.
You two get along very well for cats and dogs. I mean, is it really that ridiculous? Hazel is cute.
Cute...
She really is, isn't she? At least, when she isn't being an enormous pain in the ass.
Don't they say you bully the person you like...?
The little smile she's wearing right now—it's a lot less inciting than her grin of earlier, and Josuke kind of likes the way it lights up the rest of her face. Her eyes in particular, which he's noticed are rather expressive for someone so hellbent on putting up and maintaining walls.
Walls that never seem to be there to keep him out.
Is that what this is all about, he wonders? Is she really trying to tell him something or is she just completely fucking around? There's only one way to know for certain, and they've already come this far, there's no turning back now.]
Okay.
[That's it. 'Okay.' That's all he says before he does three things. The first, carefully set the pumpkin atop the table nearest them. The second, pull Hazel against himself. And the third, take a breath and...
...
...and avert his gaze, immediately tensing up all over!
Was he just...? He was! He was going to—with dry lips! What was he thinking?!]
[she doesn't know what she was expecting, honestly. Hazel's expectations had only gone so far as closing that loop around her and drinking in the flusterment sure to follow - and she'd certainly gotten that. Josuke had so much bravado so often that it was really endearing to see him knocked off kilter; to know that she could cause him to flush that deep a scarlet was an additional pleasure that she relished. for a moment all she wants to do is cup her hands around those stupid red cheeks and laugh at it all.
there's never any chance for that because something - something happens all at once, too quickly for Hazel to parse out what it actually was. maybe if she'd actually listened to those warning bells in her head this wouldn't be so mystifying, but since when has she ever made sound decisions with her feelings? there's nothing to help her puzzle out the mystery beyond the tightness of Josuke's arms around her and the absolute certainty that something has shifted here.
she can feel the tension even before it writes itself all over Josuke's body, tangible enough to reach out and touch. whatever was his plan, he's stopped just short of seeing it through to completion. it's mortifying (frightening) to think on when the realization leaves a leaden ball of disappointment in her stomach. Hazel didn't even know what was happening - how could she possibly feel denied some sort of expectation?
suddenly Hazel's very conscious of just where she is right now, and if she were capable of blushing there would certainly be some red of her own to join the soft confusion on her face. rather than pull back, the logical reaction, she stays right where she is. internally disarrayed as she was, this felt...comfortable. safe.]
Ok..?
[this is another thing she shouldn't do, but once again Hazel shoves past her more aware common sense and spits the question out. she unintentionally pushes herself even further against him as she lightly raises up on her tiptoes, giving herself enough height to mimic Josuke's own action during their fight - just gently take him by the chin and tug him back into her line of sight.
even if he doesn't say anything, maybe she can find some answers in his eyes.]
[The moment that Josuke feels Hazel's fingers rest upon his chin he becomes acutely aware of what will follow. Not only the gentle guiding of his gaze back to hers, but with nowhere else to look, no place left for his thoughts to wander, an outcome so inevitable as to be more alarming than anything else has been up until now.
He struggles to hear her over the deafening sound of his heart thrumming inside his chest, pounding in his ears (how can she not hear it?) but manages still to read her lips.
Her lips—the inevitability that he is drawn towards, in particular when their eyes meet, when he's certain that everything he's thinking and feeling must read as clear as the bottom of a tranquil pond to her. Feverish uncertainty, stomach-knotting curiosity, and of course the many warmer feelings that mottle everything else, the very same feelings he often tries to mask with the bravado she's so familiar with, and the very same feelings he's refused to give the time of day until just recently...
Feelings of a much deeper affection than one has for a mere friend, feelings that sprung up seamlessly somewhere along the way, and Josuke hasn't a clue as to when.
What does he do with that realization? Or for that matter, with their sudden proximity to one another, Hazel having taken it upon herself to stand closer, so close that he's sure even if she can't hear his heart, she ought to be able to feel it racing behind his ribs. What does he do with that? With her? With them?
For starters, he doesn't run. Of course, he doesn't rush, either...giving her (what he hopes is) plenty of time to pull away as he leans down, eyes closing, noses bumping, and then...]
it all falls into place with a startling conclusion that has her reeling more than any blow's ever managed. how..? and more importantly, why had Josuke ever let something like that happen? of all the people in this world, he should know better than that.
but there it was all the same, and Hazel can't help the warm rush of elation that overtakes her. she shouldn't be letting this happen, but she doesn't want to do the responsible thing - and doesn't that say everything? Josuke should know better, but she was the idiot for somehow managing to ignore the tangled knot sitting right atop her own heart. stupid, stupid...and giddy as hell.
surely it was all right, to be selfish just this once? Hazel could let herself have this moment so long as she told him no right after, couldn't she..?
he leans in and she goes stock still, like a deer in the cross-hairs. but it's just the briefest moment of insecurity, of wrestling with her mind, before she allows herself to go hurtling off that last ledge. a soft giggle escapes her, incredulous, before she closes the tiny distance between them herself.
Hazel is often forceful and loud, even when she's stopped trying to paper up her true nature. there is none of that in her kiss - it's gentle, bordering on shy. it's been what feels like the long end of forever since she's had this, and she wants so badly to make it something wonderful for Josuke. in another moment of mortifying clarity, she realizes that it's been even longer since her partner's opinion has mattered like this. how embarrassing honesty was.
the hand on his chin moves to achieve her initial desire, softly cupping his cheek. the other moves to rest flat against his chest, fingers spread wide to catch as much of his hammering heart as she can. it's thrilling, the beat of humanity at her fingertips, the racing rhythm of someone feeling so deeply their body can't help but respond.
Hazel has none of that. can he feel it through her kiss instead, the way she's letting herself fall bare? just for a moment, a brief instant, all of her vulnerabilities rise to the surface and she does nothing to beat them back down.
does she taste of formaldehyde (no)? is she finally ruining everything by allowing this to happen (perhaps)? can she be human enough to make this special (who can say)?
it was so strange, to want someone to know those thoughts. stranger still that she hoped he could know, somehow, about the heat pooling where the pit of her stomach ought to be. there's no body to betray her, but for once Hazel wants to make everything she's feeling known.]
Josuke hadn't let anything happen! The torch he carried for Hazel was as surprising to her as it was to him, and no more in his control, besides. He'd done what he'd could to ignore his romantic feelings, had been of the opinion when he'd begun to realize them that they would pass given enough time—and even if they didn't, they couldn't possibly be reciprocated because Hazel and him were just friends.
What he'd failed to consider was the simple fact that one could only sweep so much of something under the carpet before it reared its head again. His feelings had been building up and up for a long time, longer than even he'd been aware. Was it really any wonder they were now messily spilling out everywhere? In the clumsy way he'd bumped Hazel's nose when he'd first leaned towards her; in the way his breath caught and his heart quickened when she giggled at him; the way he held her tighter as their lips finally met; and in the way he couldn't keep from briefly peeking past his eyelashes to try and gauge for himself if she was really as happy as she sounded...
After all, for all the girls back home who'd shown an interest in him, he had never actually kissed any of them. This was new territory for Josuke who, back in Morioh, seemed to know all about how to woo a girl without having actually wooed one.
Which would have made this moment much scarier if not for one of Hazel's hands coming to rest upon his cheek, the other upon his chest, because that was all it took for him to feel less terrified of not having stopped this from going as far as it had. Even without words, Josuke knew at once that Hazel felt the same as him and that, if nothing else, replenished some of his confidence. Enough that he remembered to breathe between the gentle brushing of her lips against his, not to stand there going blue in the face on the other end of their kiss. Enough that, when she allowed her vulnerabilities to rise to the surface, he actually felt aware of them—aware of her and the way that he made her feel.
Safe, he was sure, or she'd have pulled away already. Desired, he was certain, or he wouldn't have felt that way himself.
Though one hand remained upon the small of her back cradling her much smaller frame against his own, his right found its way into the short locks of her hair. Tucking them behind one ear with care, as much a gesture of reassurance as it was tenderness.
She'd never been anything but human to him. Never been anything but special. She had to know how special that made this moment, too...right?]
[I don't want to forget this. it's the only thought that comes through clearly in the hailstorm of emotions. every bit of Josuke right now, all of the things smashing through her hollow insides...she wants to fix it just as it is and lock it away forever. there was never going to be anything better than this moment.
when he puts some runaway strands of hair behind her ear, she wants to cry. it's such a simple motion and such a stupid reaction, but the silent message behind it is powerful enough to make her tremble for a few moments. it was fine. Hazel was trying so hard and for once, for the time it mattered the most, she was more than enough. it was a feeling worthier of tears than she'd ever admit.
even in moments where time feels as if it were suspended, things end. Hazel eventually breaks the kiss with a quiet sigh equal parts content and melancholy, not from desire but her own feelings becoming too much to manage and (a surreal epiphany) the realization that Josuke actually has to breath through all this. she only pulls back enough to end things, wanting to remember this part too - but a wave of embarrassment rolls over her with shocking force, sending her face into a retreat against his chest before she's even completed more than three traced circles on his cheek with her thumb.
she can't look at him right now. words are out of the question, her bravery only extending far enough to pull her hand off his face so she can wrap it around his torso instead and hold tight. for that she still feels on the edge of tears, however, she can't stop smiling and smiling. how could she not?
very soon she's going to have to keep her promise to herself and do right by Josuke, keeping him from tying himself to someone as awful as her. but for the present she suspends her thoughts and allows herself to just revel in this closeness and the familiar feeling it brings - as always with Josuke, no matter what they're doing, she feels like herself. no living, no dead...just Hazel.
to have that now, at the peak of things...it's a wonder she hasn't started making those awful blubbering noises yet.]
[Josuke's not sure what he expected to have happen in the moments immediately following his and Hazel's kiss, but it certainly wasn't having her bury her face against him. If he hadn't first caught a glimpse of the smile lightly tugging at the corners of her mouth, he'd have thought he'd done something wrong.
Of course, even now he's not certain he's done everything right. She may be holding onto him instead of pulling away, but she's not exactly meeting his eyes, either. Does that mean she's feeling safe? Or does it mean the opposite and that he's somehow failed to make her feel completely comfortable?
He hates that he doesn't know, but hates more that he's even wondering, that he'd let such thoughts interrupt this moment. After all, insecurities aside, he's actually pretty happy, and if he's not mistaken...she appears to be, too. While it isn't the first time he's held Hazel, it's the first time he's held her like this—and it's nice. So he tries for now to focus on that.
Because, in the end, that's what she deserves. His trust in her that she would tell him if something were actually wrong. As well as his best attempts at being both patient and understanding.]
You know, you keep this up and I'm gonna wind up using your head as a chin rest.
[Or at least his best attempts at breaking up the awkward tension between them.]
[the sudden speech jolts her out of whatever thoughtless drifting she'd been doing, and the actual words startle a laugh out of her. it's sincere but sort of wobbly, unable to completely extricate itself from the mess that her other feelings are right now.]
You'd cramp your neck if you tried.
[just this once, she'll pull a jab at her height along a little further. but only because it's already such a self-indulgent moment.
Hazel moves her head off him, assuming that's what he's gently poking her to do, but she still won't look up to meet his eyes. she's turning things over in her mind now, trying to find a way to say that she can't do this even though she wants to so badly; it just wasn't fair to let someone like Josuke tie himself down to something like her. it was too selfish, even for Hazel.]
So, this is...what? Another thing we're going to pretend never happened?
[the same way that they'd agreed (and not quite succeeded) to wipe that awkward swear-in encounter from their minds? an event that, looking back now, the cause of which is so obvious that Hazel can only marvel at her determination to ignore it. but jealous of pigs, really? he was ridiculous.
in the end, she still can't spit out the denial that she honestly doesn't want to give. so she ends up with this, a hesitant question rather than an indication of her own preferences - if anything, she sounds a little miserable at the suggested course of action. maybe it's better to try and feel things out like this. there was an awful lot she was assuming and even more she just didn't know.
(maybe she should pull away now, too, but she remains. it's too comforting.)]
[Josuke manages a smile, but when she still refuses to look up at him, the doubts he'd been trying so hard to set aside begin creeping forward all over again.
Something is wrong.
But at least this time Hazel doesn't leave him wondering what it might be. That question comes before he has time to ask and he feels almost as though someone's driven the wind from his lungs with it.]
I don't...
[He doesn't know? No, that's not right. He knows very well what he wants, and it's not to pretend that this didn't happen. But he would, for her, if that's what she wanted. The trouble is, Josuke doesn't know what Hazel wants. She's not giving him any kind of clue at all—except she's asking rather than simply telling him she'd rather pretend. That has to mean something, right?]
No.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, Josuke places his hands on Hazel's shoulders and leans his forehead against the top of her head. His jealousy should speak volumes for him, but in case she needs things to be extra clear, he repeats again...]
No way. I don't wanna forget this or pretend it didn't happen. Why would I?
[she feels very small. it's the same acute awareness of her own fragility that flashes into being when she used to be confronted with some awful thing she couldn't fight at home, but this is different - there's so much that she could do here, and that, paradoxically, is what's making her feel so tiny. the possibilities threaten to swallow her up.]
I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
[Funny she should say that when the people he seems most attracted to are those often considered train wrecks by others. Some might liken that to his propensity for fixing things, but that couldn't be further from the truth. As far as Josuke is concerned, there are simply some things in this world that are better for their flaws, and people are one of them.]
Hey, slow down. You gotta gimme a chance to respond.
[Not that he knows what to say, only that he needs to say something. Anything that might bring her sobbing to a halt, that might lift her spirits again and reassure her that this is a thing they can work together through. That it's worth it to try.
In fact, it's one of the most worthwhile things Josuke has come across in a long time.]
I don't think you're being fair talking like this. I mean, you seem to be forgetting how often you gotta deal with my shit, too. I don't exactly make things easy for you, Hazel. I'm just as much of a train wreck in my own way...but I can't say I've ever met a person who wasn't one that was as worth knowing as you are.
Whether it's just as friends or...whatever, you know? I wouldn't give any of it up.
[for a moment or two his response just makes her cry harder. it's her natural reaction to heartfelt compliments exacerbated by her current emotional weakness, and the sound would be comical if it were any time but now. when Hazel does finally manage to speak, her voice is still thick with not-tears.]
Alright, I take it back - you are an idiot.
[she chokes it out with a watery laugh, trying to throw something light out in the midst of everything else. it's stupid and flimsy, but it provides a divider between her outburst and what she's going to say next. Hazel wants these words to stand on their own, not be overshadowed by the dark things in her own mind. it was important in some stupid symbolic way that she herself doesn't really understand.]
...but I want to try.
[she looks up at him now, meets his gaze and holds it. there's a veritable sea of uncertainties sloshing around her, but this? it isn't one of them. Hazel is so sure of what she feels, what she wants, that she can look him in the eyes without a hint of embarrassment or shame.
her hands, which had fallen to her side and balled up into tight little fists in some vain attempt to protect herself, fall open. she brings one of them up to rest on his chest now, seeking out that beating heart one more time. maybe it wasn't selfish. maybe, just once (just when it matters most) she can let herself stop running and be happy.
honestly, she can't think of anyone better to make that exception for.]
[If this were any other time, Josuke might tease Hazel, but because it's now, with the both of them having just ridden another emotional roller coaster together? He's feeling a lot more sensitive and like the good friend he can be (instead of the massive shit he often is) now that he's got a good reason.]
I've been called worse, you know.
[And he means it, he has been. But in the end, names are just words, and the only words that've got sting enough to cause him any worry are Echoes'. In fact, being called an idiot by Hazel has actually come to feel a lot more endearing than insulting over time, especially now with it acting as the divider that it is.
Because what comes after? Well, it really makes Josuke smile.
Whatever this is, Hazel wants to try. That's all he could really ask for, to be honest. And just like that, she's given him exactly what he'd hoped for without knowing for the longest time that he'd even had a hope for it at all! Kind of a strange feeling, but not unpleasant now that the sharp edge of anticipation has been blunted.]
I'm glad that's your answer, though. 'Cause I wanna try, too.
[she can't help saying it, even if the incredulous laughter that accompanies it is meant more for the situation at hand. it feels surreal in the best way, like someone's lifted a weight she didn't know she was carrying. this was going to be as troublesome as anything else they'd gotten into, but they'd be facing it together. nothing even a pair of dumbasses couldn't handle.]
I tried to warn you, so any bullshit that happens is your fault now.
[she's teasing, impossibly gentle, and more than a little bit of a cover for her next action. with a little rock of her heels she tiptoes up to kiss that wonderful smile - lightning fast, done before she can lose her nerve. it's fine to do that now, right..?]
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deadtective) wrote2015-01-08 01:21 am
no subject
[there must be something criminal about complaining about possible bad puns and then immediately using own yourself, but Hazel doesn't give a single fuck. that was an amazing use of wordplay and everyone should be impressed.]
You know the pumpkin's not even lit up, right?
[poor Josuke, without even the heat from a jack-o-lantern candle to blame some of his situation on. this truly must be what the inner circles of hell look like - and no wonder, considering how much of a good time it looks like Hazel's having.]
no subject
[Actually, it kind of is! Or it would be if maybe he weren't the butt of this particular joke! Man, could they be doing this anywhere else right now? He'd really like to be doing this anywhere else...]
I'm fine, it's just—it's this room, it's stuffy in here!
[Yeah, that's a great excuse, right? Totally incontestable! It's a spare room that doesn't see a whole lot of use besides the time Hazel spends in here working, it's not as though the airflow is great, and it smells strongly of paint and pumpkins. Anyone who needs to breathe would be having some kind of reaction! It's not his fault!
But going on the defensive, that's just going to make Hazel's grin grow exponentially, and while Josuke likes seeing her happy...he hates losing.]
Hmm...you don't mind this, though? I mean, you like it?
[So, maybe now's the time to attack. Fight fire with fire, as they say—which may actually be the only way Josuke can beat the heat threatening to color his cheeks. So he takes a determined step closer to Hazel, the shrunken head in his hands providing the only breadth between them.]
no subject
[she's not completely heartless, she'd let him complete this humiliation in the hallway or living room if he wanted. but the comment is ultimately pointless because as soon as she's finished saying it he's closing the gap as much as he can with it still in his hands rather than trying to get rid of the thing.
there's a brief moment where it looks like maybe Josuke's strategy is going to pay off as her insufferable grin falters for a minute once she catches onto the implication behind the question. but Hazel refuses to go down that easily and soon enough it's back, along with some dismissive noise and a completely nonchalant tone.]
What the hell kind of question is that? You're making it sound like we're doing something weird.
[which they're not - or at least, they've done weirder to the point where this no longer qualifies. definitely.
there's a pause as Hazel mentally teeters on the edge, unsure whether or not she should follow through with her first instinct. repressive as she is, there's still a part of her that feels like maybe going forward would be stepping into a place she couldn't return from. but the rest of her quickly smothers it; there's no reason to think that, and more importantly she definitely can't back down now. Josuke would be absolutely intolerable.
so she lifts his arms up gently, pumpkin and all, before ducking underneath the newly formed gap to stick her little self into the space the shrunken head had been protecting. Hazel's aware that she loses some positioning here as she tugs his arms back down around her (she has to slide her hands up to hold onto his forearms now) but the space is more important - Josuke himself had just made it so, after all.]
See? It's fine.
[her smile's a little smaller now as she looks up at him, but no less playful. can he beat that with all the crimson creeping up his face? she doubts it.]
no subject
...and his actions more so.
Unfortunately, both become a bit difficult when Hazel counters his advance with one of her own, accompanied by not just one veiled taunt, but two. And the worst of it is, as she positions herself within the inner circle of his arms shortly after bringing them down around her, he does nothing but stand there and watch. The way she looks up at him, her hands coming to rest upon his forearms, leaves his throat feeling tight, his face hot like the surface of the sun, and his mouth as dry as the Sahara.
It's 'fine' she says. Yeah, if 'fine' is being on the verge of spontaneous combustion.]
...um.
[He really, really wants to be able to recover, for that flicker of hope he'd had a moment earlier not to have been lost, but the more he tries to think of something to say, anything, the more he struggles to find words that aren't Kaneki's repeating in the back of his mind.
You two get along very well for cats and dogs. I mean, is it really that ridiculous? Hazel is cute.
Cute...
She really is, isn't she? At least, when she isn't being an enormous pain in the ass.
Don't they say you bully the person you like...?
The little smile she's wearing right now—it's a lot less inciting than her grin of earlier, and Josuke kind of likes the way it lights up the rest of her face. Her eyes in particular, which he's noticed are rather expressive for someone so hellbent on putting up and maintaining walls.
Walls that never seem to be there to keep him out.
Is that what this is all about, he wonders? Is she really trying to tell him something or is she just completely fucking around? There's only one way to know for certain, and they've already come this far, there's no turning back now.]
Okay.
[That's it. 'Okay.' That's all he says before he does three things. The first, carefully set the pumpkin atop the table nearest them. The second, pull Hazel against himself. And the third, take a breath and...
...
...and avert his gaze, immediately tensing up all over!
Was he just...? He was! He was going to—with dry lips! What was he thinking?!]
no subject
there's never any chance for that because something - something happens all at once, too quickly for Hazel to parse out what it actually was. maybe if she'd actually listened to those warning bells in her head this wouldn't be so mystifying, but since when has she ever made sound decisions with her feelings? there's nothing to help her puzzle out the mystery beyond the tightness of Josuke's arms around her and the absolute certainty that something has shifted here.
she can feel the tension even before it writes itself all over Josuke's body, tangible enough to reach out and touch. whatever was his plan, he's stopped just short of seeing it through to completion. it's mortifying (frightening) to think on when the realization leaves a leaden ball of disappointment in her stomach. Hazel didn't even know what was happening - how could she possibly feel denied some sort of expectation?
suddenly Hazel's very conscious of just where she is right now, and if she were capable of blushing there would certainly be some red of her own to join the soft confusion on her face. rather than pull back, the logical reaction, she stays right where she is. internally disarrayed as she was, this felt...comfortable. safe.]
Ok..?
[this is another thing she shouldn't do, but once again Hazel shoves past her more aware common sense and spits the question out. she unintentionally pushes herself even further against him as she lightly raises up on her tiptoes, giving herself enough height to mimic Josuke's own action during their fight - just gently take him by the chin and tug him back into her line of sight.
even if he doesn't say anything, maybe she can find some answers in his eyes.]
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He struggles to hear her over the deafening sound of his heart thrumming inside his chest, pounding in his ears (how can she not hear it?) but manages still to read her lips.
Her lips—the inevitability that he is drawn towards, in particular when their eyes meet, when he's certain that everything he's thinking and feeling must read as clear as the bottom of a tranquil pond to her. Feverish uncertainty, stomach-knotting curiosity, and of course the many warmer feelings that mottle everything else, the very same feelings he often tries to mask with the bravado she's so familiar with, and the very same feelings he's refused to give the time of day until just recently...
Feelings of a much deeper affection than one has for a mere friend, feelings that sprung up seamlessly somewhere along the way, and Josuke hasn't a clue as to when.
What does he do with that realization? Or for that matter, with their sudden proximity to one another, Hazel having taken it upon herself to stand closer, so close that he's sure even if she can't hear his heart, she ought to be able to feel it racing behind his ribs. What does he do with that? With her? With them?
For starters, he doesn't run. Of course, he doesn't rush, either...giving her (what he hopes is) plenty of time to pull away as he leans down, eyes closing, noses bumping, and then...]
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it all falls into place with a startling conclusion that has her reeling more than any blow's ever managed. how..? and more importantly, why had Josuke ever let something like that happen? of all the people in this world, he should know better than that.
but there it was all the same, and Hazel can't help the warm rush of elation that overtakes her. she shouldn't be letting this happen, but she doesn't want to do the responsible thing - and doesn't that say everything? Josuke should know better, but she was the idiot for somehow managing to ignore the tangled knot sitting right atop her own heart. stupid, stupid...and giddy as hell.
surely it was all right, to be selfish just this once? Hazel could let herself have this moment so long as she told him no right after, couldn't she..?
he leans in and she goes stock still, like a deer in the cross-hairs. but it's just the briefest moment of insecurity, of wrestling with her mind, before she allows herself to go hurtling off that last ledge. a soft giggle escapes her, incredulous, before she closes the tiny distance between them herself.
Hazel is often forceful and loud, even when she's stopped trying to paper up her true nature. there is none of that in her kiss - it's gentle, bordering on shy. it's been what feels like the long end of forever since she's had this, and she wants so badly to make it something wonderful for Josuke. in another moment of mortifying clarity, she realizes that it's been even longer since her partner's opinion has mattered like this. how embarrassing honesty was.
the hand on his chin moves to achieve her initial desire, softly cupping his cheek. the other moves to rest flat against his chest, fingers spread wide to catch as much of his hammering heart as she can. it's thrilling, the beat of humanity at her fingertips, the racing rhythm of someone feeling so deeply their body can't help but respond.
Hazel has none of that. can he feel it through her kiss instead, the way she's letting herself fall bare? just for a moment, a brief instant, all of her vulnerabilities rise to the surface and she does nothing to beat them back down.
does she taste of formaldehyde (no)? is she finally ruining everything by allowing this to happen (perhaps)? can she be human enough to make this special (who can say)?
it was so strange, to want someone to know those thoughts. stranger still that she hoped he could know, somehow, about the heat pooling where the pit of her stomach ought to be. there's no body to betray her, but for once Hazel wants to make everything she's feeling known.]
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Josuke hadn't let anything happen! The torch he carried for Hazel was as surprising to her as it was to him, and no more in his control, besides. He'd done what he'd could to ignore his romantic feelings, had been of the opinion when he'd begun to realize them that they would pass given enough time—and even if they didn't, they couldn't possibly be reciprocated because Hazel and him were just friends.
What he'd failed to consider was the simple fact that one could only sweep so much of something under the carpet before it reared its head again. His feelings had been building up and up for a long time, longer than even he'd been aware. Was it really any wonder they were now messily spilling out everywhere? In the clumsy way he'd bumped Hazel's nose when he'd first leaned towards her; in the way his breath caught and his heart quickened when she giggled at him; the way he held her tighter as their lips finally met; and in the way he couldn't keep from briefly peeking past his eyelashes to try and gauge for himself if she was really as happy as she sounded...
After all, for all the girls back home who'd shown an interest in him, he had never actually kissed any of them. This was new territory for Josuke who, back in Morioh, seemed to know all about how to woo a girl without having actually wooed one.
Which would have made this moment much scarier if not for one of Hazel's hands coming to rest upon his cheek, the other upon his chest, because that was all it took for him to feel less terrified of not having stopped this from going as far as it had. Even without words, Josuke knew at once that Hazel felt the same as him and that, if nothing else, replenished some of his confidence. Enough that he remembered to breathe between the gentle brushing of her lips against his, not to stand there going blue in the face on the other end of their kiss. Enough that, when she allowed her vulnerabilities to rise to the surface, he actually felt aware of them—aware of her and the way that he made her feel.
Safe, he was sure, or she'd have pulled away already. Desired, he was certain, or he wouldn't have felt that way himself.
Though one hand remained upon the small of her back cradling her much smaller frame against his own, his right found its way into the short locks of her hair. Tucking them behind one ear with care, as much a gesture of reassurance as it was tenderness.
She'd never been anything but human to him. Never been anything but special. She had to know how special that made this moment, too...right?]
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when he puts some runaway strands of hair behind her ear, she wants to cry. it's such a simple motion and such a stupid reaction, but the silent message behind it is powerful enough to make her tremble for a few moments. it was fine. Hazel was trying so hard and for once, for the time it mattered the most, she was more than enough. it was a feeling worthier of tears than she'd ever admit.
even in moments where time feels as if it were suspended, things end. Hazel eventually breaks the kiss with a quiet sigh equal parts content and melancholy, not from desire but her own feelings becoming too much to manage and (a surreal epiphany) the realization that Josuke actually has to breath through all this. she only pulls back enough to end things, wanting to remember this part too - but a wave of embarrassment rolls over her with shocking force, sending her face into a retreat against his chest before she's even completed more than three traced circles on his cheek with her thumb.
she can't look at him right now. words are out of the question, her bravery only extending far enough to pull her hand off his face so she can wrap it around his torso instead and hold tight. for that she still feels on the edge of tears, however, she can't stop smiling and smiling. how could she not?
very soon she's going to have to keep her promise to herself and do right by Josuke, keeping him from tying himself to someone as awful as her. but for the present she suspends her thoughts and allows herself to just revel in this closeness and the familiar feeling it brings - as always with Josuke, no matter what they're doing, she feels like herself. no living, no dead...just Hazel.
to have that now, at the peak of things...it's a wonder she hasn't started making those awful blubbering noises yet.]
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Of course, even now he's not certain he's done everything right. She may be holding onto him instead of pulling away, but she's not exactly meeting his eyes, either. Does that mean she's feeling safe? Or does it mean the opposite and that he's somehow failed to make her feel completely comfortable?
He hates that he doesn't know, but hates more that he's even wondering, that he'd let such thoughts interrupt this moment. After all, insecurities aside, he's actually pretty happy, and if he's not mistaken...she appears to be, too. While it isn't the first time he's held Hazel, it's the first time he's held her like this—and it's nice. So he tries for now to focus on that.
Because, in the end, that's what she deserves. His trust in her that she would tell him if something were actually wrong. As well as his best attempts at being both patient and understanding.]
You know, you keep this up and I'm gonna wind up using your head as a chin rest.
[Or at least his best attempts at breaking up the awkward tension between them.]
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You'd cramp your neck if you tried.
[just this once, she'll pull a jab at her height along a little further. but only because it's already such a self-indulgent moment.
Hazel moves her head off him, assuming that's what he's gently poking her to do, but she still won't look up to meet his eyes. she's turning things over in her mind now, trying to find a way to say that she can't do this even though she wants to so badly; it just wasn't fair to let someone like Josuke tie himself down to something like her. it was too selfish, even for Hazel.]
So, this is...what? Another thing we're going to pretend never happened?
[the same way that they'd agreed (and not quite succeeded) to wipe that awkward swear-in encounter from their minds? an event that, looking back now, the cause of which is so obvious that Hazel can only marvel at her determination to ignore it. but jealous of pigs, really? he was ridiculous.
in the end, she still can't spit out the denial that she honestly doesn't want to give. so she ends up with this, a hesitant question rather than an indication of her own preferences - if anything, she sounds a little miserable at the suggested course of action. maybe it's better to try and feel things out like this. there was an awful lot she was assuming and even more she just didn't know.
(maybe she should pull away now, too, but she remains. it's too comforting.)]
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[Josuke manages a smile, but when she still refuses to look up at him, the doubts he'd been trying so hard to set aside begin creeping forward all over again.
Something is wrong.
But at least this time Hazel doesn't leave him wondering what it might be. That question comes before he has time to ask and he feels almost as though someone's driven the wind from his lungs with it.]
I don't...
[He doesn't know? No, that's not right. He knows very well what he wants, and it's not to pretend that this didn't happen. But he would, for her, if that's what she wanted. The trouble is, Josuke doesn't know what Hazel wants. She's not giving him any kind of clue at all—except she's asking rather than simply telling him she'd rather pretend. That has to mean something, right?]
No.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, Josuke places his hands on Hazel's shoulders and leans his forehead against the top of her head. His jealousy should speak volumes for him, but in case she needs things to be extra clear, he repeats again...]
No way. I don't wanna forget this or pretend it didn't happen. Why would I?
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I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
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Hey, slow down. You gotta gimme a chance to respond.
[Not that he knows what to say, only that he needs to say something. Anything that might bring her sobbing to a halt, that might lift her spirits again and reassure her that this is a thing they can work together through. That it's worth it to try.
In fact, it's one of the most worthwhile things Josuke has come across in a long time.]
I don't think you're being fair talking like this. I mean, you seem to be forgetting how often you gotta deal with my shit, too. I don't exactly make things easy for you, Hazel. I'm just as much of a train wreck in my own way...but I can't say I've ever met a person who wasn't one that was as worth knowing as you are.
Whether it's just as friends or...whatever, you know? I wouldn't give any of it up.
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Alright, I take it back - you are an idiot.
[she chokes it out with a watery laugh, trying to throw something light out in the midst of everything else. it's stupid and flimsy, but it provides a divider between her outburst and what she's going to say next. Hazel wants these words to stand on their own, not be overshadowed by the dark things in her own mind. it was important in some stupid symbolic way that she herself doesn't really understand.]
...but I want to try.
[she looks up at him now, meets his gaze and holds it. there's a veritable sea of uncertainties sloshing around her, but this? it isn't one of them. Hazel is so sure of what she feels, what she wants, that she can look him in the eyes without a hint of embarrassment or shame.
her hands, which had fallen to her side and balled up into tight little fists in some vain attempt to protect herself, fall open. she brings one of them up to rest on his chest now, seeking out that beating heart one more time. maybe it wasn't selfish. maybe, just once (just when it matters most) she can let herself stop running and be happy.
honestly, she can't think of anyone better to make that exception for.]
Whatever this is, I want to try.
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I've been called worse, you know.
[And he means it, he has been. But in the end, names are just words, and the only words that've got sting enough to cause him any worry are Echoes'. In fact, being called an idiot by Hazel has actually come to feel a lot more endearing than insulting over time, especially now with it acting as the divider that it is.
Because what comes after? Well, it really makes Josuke smile.
Whatever this is, Hazel wants to try. That's all he could really ask for, to be honest. And just like that, she's given him exactly what he'd hoped for without knowing for the longest time that he'd even had a hope for it at all! Kind of a strange feeling, but not unpleasant now that the sharp edge of anticipation has been blunted.]
I'm glad that's your answer, though. 'Cause I wanna try, too.
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[she can't help saying it, even if the incredulous laughter that accompanies it is meant more for the situation at hand. it feels surreal in the best way, like someone's lifted a weight she didn't know she was carrying. this was going to be as troublesome as anything else they'd gotten into, but they'd be facing it together. nothing even a pair of dumbasses couldn't handle.]
I tried to warn you, so any bullshit that happens is your fault now.
[she's teasing, impossibly gentle, and more than a little bit of a cover for her next action. with a little rock of her heels she tiptoes up to kiss that wonderful smile - lightning fast, done before she can lose her nerve. it's fine to do that now, right..?]