ic contact;

[deadtective]

"Well, you reached me, but I'm obviously not answering right now. Leave a message and if I'm not avoiding you I'll get back as soon as I can."

Comments

[unbreaker]

Okay, okay! I take it back. But let's be honest, you totally set yourself up for it. You should be more careful!

[deadtective]

I don't need to be careful, you need to be less of a shitheel!

[unbreaker]

I really don't see how it's MY fault you walk right into the perfect setup...

[It's just his fault that he can't resist taking advantage of the fact!]

[deadtective]

It's your fault for being incapable of having normal fucking conversations!

[THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE]

[unbreaker]

How's that my fucking fault? I try, but you keep instigating the weirdness!

[...they're both at fault and they fucking know it, but getting either one to admit it would be like pulling teeth.]

[deadtective]

It's built into me now, I can't help it! That's why it's your responsibility to normalize shit!

[how many ways can they make up to shift blame? tune in and find out!]

[unbreaker]

Wow, it's like you don't even know me. That hurts! Responsibility and me don't get along!

[Well, they do sometimes, but for the sake of his argument now, they don't!]

[deadtective]

You own like an entire zoo.

[unbreaker]

EXACTLY! AND I'M TERRIFIED OF LIKE, HALF OF IT! HOW IS THAT RESPONSIBLE?!

[deadtective]

WELL THEY'RE NOT FUCKING DEAD, ARE THEY?

[unbreaker]

Of course they aren't! That doesn't make me responsible, though! It just means I'm not some kinda monster! Huuuuuge difference.

[deadtective]

I've had a lifetime pet ban on me since I was eight, so apparently it's a huge responsibility!

[a ban she is now flaunting with her secondhand owl, but man that's details she don't need right now]

[unbreaker]

Hold up, you had a lifetime pet ban? How the hell did you manage that?

[deadtective]

That's not important.

[unbreaker]

Oh no you don't, you brought it up, so now you gotta spill!

[deadtective]

I don't have to do a goddamn thing!

[IT'S EMBARRASSING]

[unbreaker]

DIDN'T YOU SAY BEST FRIENDS TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING, THOUGH? COME ON!

[deadtective]

Noooooooooo.

[screaming won't help, maybe quietly whining into the mic will win her the day.]

[unbreaker]

[No such luck, Hazel.]

It's not like I'll tell anyone. I promise!

1/2

[deadtective]

Uuuuugh. I'm terminating our friendship after this.

[deadtective]

[but after a second she obligingly launches into the store, speaking a mile a minute with the desperate hope that he won't be able to parse any of it. SHE'LL WIN THE DAY YET.]

I had a rabbit and it was the rucking greatest bunny ever but one morning I was running really late for school so I didn't latch the hutch properly and she got out and got hit by a car before anyone realized she was gone and I got so upset I vomited and my parents had to keep me out of school for a week I hope you're happy.

[unbreaker]

...oh.

[He caught the majority of it. Kind of hard not to when she really didn't say a whole lot, just spoke rather quickly and in one breath.]

Sorry.

[Guess that really does make her the winner! Good job, Hazel.]

[deadtective]

[there's some disgruntled noises before she remembers she has to use her words]

It was ten years ago, it's whatever. ...well, it's whatever to everyone who isn't my parents.

[SHE'S AN ADULT NOW GUYS SHE WAS GOING TO COLLEGE SHE COULD HAVE TOTALLY OWNED AN ANIMAL WITHOUT CRYING HERSELF SICK WHEN IT DIED]

[unbreaker]

So, like, it was ten years ago. Ever thinking about getting a new pet?

[deadtective]

Uh, about that...