I've been moving it around from room to room for a while, like I'm going to figure out what to do with it next to the plants instead of the couch.
[she rolls her eyes, aware how completely stupid that sounds out loud. it was even dumber in practice, her toting that canvas around one room over and staring at it the next day, squinting in the vague hopes she could find an option that wasn't 'hang this monstrosity' or 'throw it out'.]
I think it's with the pumpkins right now. Come on, it's just easier to show you.
[and with that she rises off the couch, heading for one of the still-empty rooms in the house. inside, the secret of where all the pumpkins have gone since the Doctor's arrival is revealed - they're covered huge swathes of the surface in various states of carving, a huge pile of fake ones in the back with a sticky note saying simply DRAGON??? adorning the topmost one. there's a card table in another corner, upon which several completed jack-o-lanterns are neatly laid out in a row - they're all carved to look like shrunken heads, awaiting Hazel to stop being lazy and hang them from her front doorway.
on the other side of the room a square canvas is propped up against the wall; it's taller than Hazel by a solid five inches, done in oils. the subject is Nysrog in her true form, just coming off her transformation. the monster in the picture hasn't completely settled yet, and hideous limbs that shouldn't be pull and writhe from her body - human arms and legs, aquatic claws, tendrils and tentacles and all manner of shapes that don't seem to be able to logically exist.
Nysrog is lunging forward in a show of power, jaw half-open in a snarl that exposes every one of her serrated teeth. a woman (human) lies torn in half below her in the foreground, but Nysrog seems to lean over her with the same concern a regular person would have for the other, inanimate debris. there's nothing defensive here. despite the way the monster is obviously displaying just how unstoppable it considers itself, there's an expression of disdain on its face somehow - there's no need to prove herself here, only a momentary amusing diversion. with such an inhuman face and too many eyeballs it's amazing that Hazel managed to render that impression so vividly...but it's one that she's intimately familiar with now.
Hazel waves a hand vaguely in the direction of the painting with a soft 'tadaaa' before wandering over to fuss with a folder of carving patterns on the table. she never really likes to look at people looking at her work.]
[Josuke is quick to his feet and quiet as he follows Hazel to one of the unoccupied rooms of her residence. He has to admit, utilizing the free space as a sort of studio, even if that use is temporary, is pretty genius. This way, Hazel has all the room to work she needs, and at no additional cost!]
Some setup you got going, huh?
[He admires the pumpkins when Hazel invites him inside, taking note of their different sizes and their many different stages of being carved. Those that more closely resemble shrunken heads are a tad unnerving, but he finds he can still appreciate the artistic talent behind them! They're just pumpkins, after all.
But when it comes to the portrait of Nysrog...that's when Josuke feels genuinely unsure of what to say or how to feel.
There's no denying the impressiveness of the work nor the skills required of an artist to complete such a mammoth piece, but that's not what troubles Josuke when he stares at it. No, what eats at him is the way Hazel distances herself while he inspects the painting, and the subject itself, not a creature he's familiar with...or imPort? Had Hazel seen this thing she'd painted? Had she seen it here in this world?
Here he is, trying to protect her from someone like Kira when the reality is...there's probably far worse lurking around the corners out there.]
This is it, huh? Mind me asking what the, um...the inspiration was?
[she reengages fully with the conversation now that Josuke's had time to digest the thing, putting the patterns down and leaning with her hands against the table to look at him (and by extension, the painting) again.]
Just 'cause I wasn't sucking down that gas didn't mean the swear-in wasn't a fun time.
[so, yes, she's seen that thing here. August is far enough in the past that she feels comfortable talking about what had happened in more than the vaguest of unhelpful details, something she'd been too demoralized to do immediately after the face.
her voice and expression are calm, almost casual. really, the only real hints that this encounter had been more than a rough one is the fact that she's trying to get this picture out of her house and the way she immediately moves to deflect - albeit unconsciously this time.]
Not bad for being rusty with big canvases, huh? It's been fucking forever but I figured it fit better.
[That answers that, Josuke thinks to himself before turning his gaze back to the painting.
If Hazel's seen this creature before, maybe she's even seen the rest. Was the body of the woman in the picture, the monster's victim, some hapless imPort or even a civilian? Was it someone whom Hazel knew, or just a stranger? Josuke can only wonder, because he's not sure he really wants to know the answer.]
A 'fun time', huh? I didn't know that's what people'd taken to calling it.
[It's no wonder she doesn't want the picture lying around her house, he decides. But...can he really accept it into his own home and use it as 'decoration' for a Halloween party? The woman in the painting, she'd been real at some point. Probably. The terrible end she'd suffered wasn't fake, right? Josuke's not sure he feels comfortable using someone's real pain and suffering for make believe scares.
Of course, he doesn't really want to leave this thing with Hazel, either. If she wants it gone, he wants to help.]
Hmm...this doesn't look rusty to me. If you're really sure you want me to take it, then I will.
[Slipping his hands behind his head, he turns ever so slightly at the waist so that he might observe her from the corner of his vision.]
[she hums lightly, gaze sliding off Josuke to settle completely on the painting. her expression is a little far away now, reluctantly reminiscent - she hasn't really stared at this thing since finishing it, and it's very clear now why. the whole thing is a snapshot of a memory, one powerful enough to pull her back in at a moment's notice.]
I only painted it because I can't sleep shit off anymore.
[it's a lot more honest than she normally goes for, but that was what she was trying to get better at, right? tell the truth instead of brushing it off. the oblique admission that she has trouble with banishing the darker things in her mind, that without an outlet they burrow their way deep into her skull and poke and prod without cease until she feels like she's going to pop -
it's not pretty. but that's why she tries to keep herself busy at night, so her failures can't fill the void and provide unwanted company. if Hazel can't banish the way Nysrog's strangled tears had morphed so smoothly into mocking laughter with sleep, she can lock it away on canvas. there was something to that bullshit about pictures and souls, perhaps.
"you can't save them all." and it was true, but that didn't mean she had to remember that every waking second.]
So yeah, I'm done with it. [she shifts a little, pulls herself out of wherever her mind had taken her with a smile] Buuut I'm pretty sure you'd like anything I do even if it's shit, so don't feel too bad if I don't count those compliments.
I don't know, you could sneeze on a canvas and I'd probably tell you to keep it, just sayin'.
[Hazel's right, of course. Whatever she painted, Josuke would probably see something in it that she herself didn't, something that made it more than just paint on fabric stretched taut over a wooden frame. Even her cartoonish doodles hadn't failed to impress him—a fact Josuke feels is justified given the incredible amount of talent Hazel possesses and yet seems to be completely unwilling to acknowledge.
But if what she says is true, if the reason she painted this—and maybe the reason she's painted so many other things he hasn't seen yet—is because she needs an outlet, then it makes sense for her feelings regarding her art to be so conflicted.
All in all, Josuke thinks it's a little sad.]
I never really asked before, but now you got me wondering...
[Lowering his arms and giving his back to the painting, Josuke faces his friend before starting toward her. Or toward the pumpkins at least. He prods at one of the half-finished shrunken heads and then lifts it up before his own face and peers at Hazel from over top of it, brows arched high upon his forehead, eyes wide. The mark of someone feeling extra nosy all of a sudden.]
...what happens when you try to sleep? 'Cause maybe you just haven't been relaxed enough to dream or something. I mean, you're always pretty tightly wound!
[the similarity between Josuke's current expression and the one etched into the pumpkin is strikingly similar, and it's got Hazel suppressing a hearty snort before she even attempts to answer him. he still gets the eyeroll, though, because really?]
I can't sleep, there's no trying. I never get tired, I don't feel drowsy, and all that happens when I lay in bed is that I get a fucking amazing eight hours of memorizing my ceiling.
[maybe she is doing something wrong? the thought hasn't crossed her mind in terms of sleep, but it's always a feeling she has in the back of her thoughts over other things. Hazel doesn't understand her own body anymore - and that feeling of being alien in her own skin has only grown more distinct as time wore on and she suffered through more and more. maybe that's why she doesn't always consider it her own body these days.
for now, though, there's more important matters to discuss. she grabs Josuke by the wrists so she can pull that pumpkin down and give him the full brunt of her now-grumpy frown.]
And you know what else I don't get anymore? Tightly fucking wound!
[DID YOU THINK SHE WASN'T GOING TO COMMENT ON THAT YOU LITTLE SHIT]
[Yes, really! And Josuke is not sorry, either. After Hazel had revealed that painting, he'd felt obligated to lighten the mood a little bit, and what better way to do that than with jack-o-lanterns? Even if they are presently lacking in luminescence...]
See, that could be part of your problem right there! You don't stare at the ceiling when you're trying to sleep, you close your eyes!
[He's trying to help. Really, he is!
Although, as Hazel robs him of the ability to use his sacrificial pumpkin stand-in, Josuke feels a little like she doesn't think very highly of his particular brand of 'helping' right now. Oops!
Maybe he'd better apologize...]
Soooo, if you don't get tightly wound anymore, whaddya call this exactly—comin' all undone?
[yes, obviously. only the most tranquil people engage in attempting to frown their mouth right off their face to show just how TOGETHER AND FINE they are. how could Josuke have ever made this mistake?]
And I swear to god that better not have been a stitches joke.
[Stitches? Wha—no! There he goes again, shoving his giant clodhopping foot into his hugeass mouth!]
You've got it all wrong, I didn't mean it like that!
[Is that a hint of wild desperation in his voice as he tries to explain? Maybe. Just a little. Because he'd really like for this encounter to not devolve into kicking and screaming if at all possible! Or for it to at least not end on that note.]
I was just—I mean, the opposite of tightly wound's undone, so—it was just a dumb play on words, okay?! 'Cause this is so not what calm looks like.
[He glances down at her hands on his wrists, and then back up at her face. Her grip's still pretty firm. Maybe she plans to hold on until he swallows his pride? ...and after that unintentional fumble, maybe he ought to.]
Ah, look, I really didn't mean it the way it sounded, you know me better than that, right? I'd stoop low, but never that low. So...you can let go of me, now.
[Still holding that shrunken head, he gives his arms (and hers) a haphazard wiggle.]
[funnily enough, despite how wound up she's getting (shut up Hazel, you totally are) over this, she's not even remotely genuinely mad. the frantic tone is a little baffling, and the befuddlement becomes clear on her face when he actually starts apologizing.
...ah. it was that little blowup they had earlier, wasn't it? or maybe he just doesn't want to have to wrestle her off his face today. either way, it's awfully sweet, and that's got her frown melting away into a fond smile. too bad it doesn't last very long.]
...why, does it bother you?
[are you afraid of her supertough grip, Josuke? terrified of having to drag her to school tomorrow? or is the threat of having to stand here and hold that pumpkin up for time immemorial just too much to bear? orrrr maybe it's all of the above?
whatever the answer, she's definitely not letting go now just to be a little shit. that smug grin she's sporting now makes that more than clear - and also that it's not personal. or, as impersonal as wanting to tease your best friend can get.]
[That 'little' blowup was definitely one of the factors behind Josuke's eventual apology, and as for what else may have been responsible? Well, there's really only one thing, and it happens to have a lot to do with the reason he cares at all about whether she can dream or not, or the reason he doesn't just yank his wrists out of her grasp.
On that note, it's probably a good thing they're only in a makeshift art studio surrounded by pumpkin carvings and a horrific painting of a monster dismembering an innocent woman, otherwise this situation and Hazel's teasing would be a lot more awkward than it is, wouldn't it?
Oh wait, no, none of that actually helps at all this is still very fucking awkward!]
Huh? Whaddya think? Do I look bothered to you? 'Cause I'm not bothered!
[Not bothered in the 'get off me' sense, at least. But his face might be starting to heat up and that's a bother!]
I don't know, you're looking a little hot under the collar to me...
[there must be something criminal about complaining about possible bad puns and then immediately using own yourself, but Hazel doesn't give a single fuck. that was an amazing use of wordplay and everyone should be impressed.]
You know the pumpkin's not even lit up, right?
[poor Josuke, without even the heat from a jack-o-lantern candle to blame some of his situation on. this truly must be what the inner circles of hell look like - and no wonder, considering how much of a good time it looks like Hazel's having.]
[Actually, it kind of is! Or it would be if maybe he weren't the butt of this particular joke! Man, could they be doing this anywhere else right now? He'd really like to be doing this anywhere else...]
I'm fine, it's just—it's this room, it's stuffy in here!
[Yeah, that's a great excuse, right? Totally incontestable! It's a spare room that doesn't see a whole lot of use besides the time Hazel spends in here working, it's not as though the airflow is great, and it smells strongly of paint and pumpkins. Anyone who needs to breathe would be having some kind of reaction! It's not his fault!
But going on the defensive, that's just going to make Hazel's grin grow exponentially, and while Josuke likes seeing her happy...he hates losing.]
Hmm...you don't mind this, though? I mean, you like it?
[So, maybe now's the time to attack. Fight fire with fire, as they say—which may actually be the only way Josuke can beat the heat threatening to color his cheeks. So he takes a determined step closer to Hazel, the shrunken head in his hands providing the only breadth between them.]
If you can figure out how to put the pumpkin down you could just walk out.
[she's not completely heartless, she'd let him complete this humiliation in the hallway or living room if he wanted. but the comment is ultimately pointless because as soon as she's finished saying it he's closing the gap as much as he can with it still in his hands rather than trying to get rid of the thing.
there's a brief moment where it looks like maybe Josuke's strategy is going to pay off as her insufferable grin falters for a minute once she catches onto the implication behind the question. but Hazel refuses to go down that easily and soon enough it's back, along with some dismissive noise and a completely nonchalant tone.]
What the hell kind of question is that? You're making it sound like we're doing something weird.
[which they're not - or at least, they've done weirder to the point where this no longer qualifies. definitely.
there's a pause as Hazel mentally teeters on the edge, unsure whether or not she should follow through with her first instinct. repressive as she is, there's still a part of her that feels like maybe going forward would be stepping into a place she couldn't return from. but the rest of her quickly smothers it; there's no reason to think that, and more importantly she definitely can't back down now. Josuke would be absolutely intolerable.
so she lifts his arms up gently, pumpkin and all, before ducking underneath the newly formed gap to stick her little self into the space the shrunken head had been protecting. Hazel's aware that she loses some positioning here as she tugs his arms back down around her (she has to slide her hands up to hold onto his forearms now) but the space is more important - Josuke himself had just made it so, after all.]
See? It's fine.
[her smile's a little smaller now as she looks up at him, but no less playful. can he beat that with all the crimson creeping up his face? she doubts it.]
[Though brief, the moment when Hazel's grin falters gives Josuke hope. As quick-witted as she can be, he can still find a way to put her in her place and come out of this thing on top. He need only play his cards right, pick and choose his words carefully...
...and his actions more so.
Unfortunately, both become a bit difficult when Hazel counters his advance with one of her own, accompanied by not just one veiled taunt, but two. And the worst of it is, as she positions herself within the inner circle of his arms shortly after bringing them down around her, he does nothing but stand there and watch. The way she looks up at him, her hands coming to rest upon his forearms, leaves his throat feeling tight, his face hot like the surface of the sun, and his mouth as dry as the Sahara.
It's 'fine' she says. Yeah, if 'fine' is being on the verge of spontaneous combustion.]
...um.
[He really, really wants to be able to recover, for that flicker of hope he'd had a moment earlier not to have been lost, but the more he tries to think of something to say, anything, the more he struggles to find words that aren't Kaneki's repeating in the back of his mind.
You two get along very well for cats and dogs. I mean, is it really that ridiculous? Hazel is cute.
Cute...
She really is, isn't she? At least, when she isn't being an enormous pain in the ass.
Don't they say you bully the person you like...?
The little smile she's wearing right now—it's a lot less inciting than her grin of earlier, and Josuke kind of likes the way it lights up the rest of her face. Her eyes in particular, which he's noticed are rather expressive for someone so hellbent on putting up and maintaining walls.
Walls that never seem to be there to keep him out.
Is that what this is all about, he wonders? Is she really trying to tell him something or is she just completely fucking around? There's only one way to know for certain, and they've already come this far, there's no turning back now.]
Okay.
[That's it. 'Okay.' That's all he says before he does three things. The first, carefully set the pumpkin atop the table nearest them. The second, pull Hazel against himself. And the third, take a breath and...
...
...and avert his gaze, immediately tensing up all over!
Was he just...? He was! He was going to—with dry lips! What was he thinking?!]
[she doesn't know what she was expecting, honestly. Hazel's expectations had only gone so far as closing that loop around her and drinking in the flusterment sure to follow - and she'd certainly gotten that. Josuke had so much bravado so often that it was really endearing to see him knocked off kilter; to know that she could cause him to flush that deep a scarlet was an additional pleasure that she relished. for a moment all she wants to do is cup her hands around those stupid red cheeks and laugh at it all.
there's never any chance for that because something - something happens all at once, too quickly for Hazel to parse out what it actually was. maybe if she'd actually listened to those warning bells in her head this wouldn't be so mystifying, but since when has she ever made sound decisions with her feelings? there's nothing to help her puzzle out the mystery beyond the tightness of Josuke's arms around her and the absolute certainty that something has shifted here.
she can feel the tension even before it writes itself all over Josuke's body, tangible enough to reach out and touch. whatever was his plan, he's stopped just short of seeing it through to completion. it's mortifying (frightening) to think on when the realization leaves a leaden ball of disappointment in her stomach. Hazel didn't even know what was happening - how could she possibly feel denied some sort of expectation?
suddenly Hazel's very conscious of just where she is right now, and if she were capable of blushing there would certainly be some red of her own to join the soft confusion on her face. rather than pull back, the logical reaction, she stays right where she is. internally disarrayed as she was, this felt...comfortable. safe.]
Ok..?
[this is another thing she shouldn't do, but once again Hazel shoves past her more aware common sense and spits the question out. she unintentionally pushes herself even further against him as she lightly raises up on her tiptoes, giving herself enough height to mimic Josuke's own action during their fight - just gently take him by the chin and tug him back into her line of sight.
even if he doesn't say anything, maybe she can find some answers in his eyes.]
[The moment that Josuke feels Hazel's fingers rest upon his chin he becomes acutely aware of what will follow. Not only the gentle guiding of his gaze back to hers, but with nowhere else to look, no place left for his thoughts to wander, an outcome so inevitable as to be more alarming than anything else has been up until now.
He struggles to hear her over the deafening sound of his heart thrumming inside his chest, pounding in his ears (how can she not hear it?) but manages still to read her lips.
Her lips—the inevitability that he is drawn towards, in particular when their eyes meet, when he's certain that everything he's thinking and feeling must read as clear as the bottom of a tranquil pond to her. Feverish uncertainty, stomach-knotting curiosity, and of course the many warmer feelings that mottle everything else, the very same feelings he often tries to mask with the bravado she's so familiar with, and the very same feelings he's refused to give the time of day until just recently...
Feelings of a much deeper affection than one has for a mere friend, feelings that sprung up seamlessly somewhere along the way, and Josuke hasn't a clue as to when.
What does he do with that realization? Or for that matter, with their sudden proximity to one another, Hazel having taken it upon herself to stand closer, so close that he's sure even if she can't hear his heart, she ought to be able to feel it racing behind his ribs. What does he do with that? With her? With them?
For starters, he doesn't run. Of course, he doesn't rush, either...giving her (what he hopes is) plenty of time to pull away as he leans down, eyes closing, noses bumping, and then...]
it all falls into place with a startling conclusion that has her reeling more than any blow's ever managed. how..? and more importantly, why had Josuke ever let something like that happen? of all the people in this world, he should know better than that.
but there it was all the same, and Hazel can't help the warm rush of elation that overtakes her. she shouldn't be letting this happen, but she doesn't want to do the responsible thing - and doesn't that say everything? Josuke should know better, but she was the idiot for somehow managing to ignore the tangled knot sitting right atop her own heart. stupid, stupid...and giddy as hell.
surely it was all right, to be selfish just this once? Hazel could let herself have this moment so long as she told him no right after, couldn't she..?
he leans in and she goes stock still, like a deer in the cross-hairs. but it's just the briefest moment of insecurity, of wrestling with her mind, before she allows herself to go hurtling off that last ledge. a soft giggle escapes her, incredulous, before she closes the tiny distance between them herself.
Hazel is often forceful and loud, even when she's stopped trying to paper up her true nature. there is none of that in her kiss - it's gentle, bordering on shy. it's been what feels like the long end of forever since she's had this, and she wants so badly to make it something wonderful for Josuke. in another moment of mortifying clarity, she realizes that it's been even longer since her partner's opinion has mattered like this. how embarrassing honesty was.
the hand on his chin moves to achieve her initial desire, softly cupping his cheek. the other moves to rest flat against his chest, fingers spread wide to catch as much of his hammering heart as she can. it's thrilling, the beat of humanity at her fingertips, the racing rhythm of someone feeling so deeply their body can't help but respond.
Hazel has none of that. can he feel it through her kiss instead, the way she's letting herself fall bare? just for a moment, a brief instant, all of her vulnerabilities rise to the surface and she does nothing to beat them back down.
does she taste of formaldehyde (no)? is she finally ruining everything by allowing this to happen (perhaps)? can she be human enough to make this special (who can say)?
it was so strange, to want someone to know those thoughts. stranger still that she hoped he could know, somehow, about the heat pooling where the pit of her stomach ought to be. there's no body to betray her, but for once Hazel wants to make everything she's feeling known.]
Josuke hadn't let anything happen! The torch he carried for Hazel was as surprising to her as it was to him, and no more in his control, besides. He'd done what he'd could to ignore his romantic feelings, had been of the opinion when he'd begun to realize them that they would pass given enough time—and even if they didn't, they couldn't possibly be reciprocated because Hazel and him were just friends.
What he'd failed to consider was the simple fact that one could only sweep so much of something under the carpet before it reared its head again. His feelings had been building up and up for a long time, longer than even he'd been aware. Was it really any wonder they were now messily spilling out everywhere? In the clumsy way he'd bumped Hazel's nose when he'd first leaned towards her; in the way his breath caught and his heart quickened when she giggled at him; the way he held her tighter as their lips finally met; and in the way he couldn't keep from briefly peeking past his eyelashes to try and gauge for himself if she was really as happy as she sounded...
After all, for all the girls back home who'd shown an interest in him, he had never actually kissed any of them. This was new territory for Josuke who, back in Morioh, seemed to know all about how to woo a girl without having actually wooed one.
Which would have made this moment much scarier if not for one of Hazel's hands coming to rest upon his cheek, the other upon his chest, because that was all it took for him to feel less terrified of not having stopped this from going as far as it had. Even without words, Josuke knew at once that Hazel felt the same as him and that, if nothing else, replenished some of his confidence. Enough that he remembered to breathe between the gentle brushing of her lips against his, not to stand there going blue in the face on the other end of their kiss. Enough that, when she allowed her vulnerabilities to rise to the surface, he actually felt aware of them—aware of her and the way that he made her feel.
Safe, he was sure, or she'd have pulled away already. Desired, he was certain, or he wouldn't have felt that way himself.
Though one hand remained upon the small of her back cradling her much smaller frame against his own, his right found its way into the short locks of her hair. Tucking them behind one ear with care, as much a gesture of reassurance as it was tenderness.
She'd never been anything but human to him. Never been anything but special. She had to know how special that made this moment, too...right?]
[I don't want to forget this. it's the only thought that comes through clearly in the hailstorm of emotions. every bit of Josuke right now, all of the things smashing through her hollow insides...she wants to fix it just as it is and lock it away forever. there was never going to be anything better than this moment.
when he puts some runaway strands of hair behind her ear, she wants to cry. it's such a simple motion and such a stupid reaction, but the silent message behind it is powerful enough to make her tremble for a few moments. it was fine. Hazel was trying so hard and for once, for the time it mattered the most, she was more than enough. it was a feeling worthier of tears than she'd ever admit.
even in moments where time feels as if it were suspended, things end. Hazel eventually breaks the kiss with a quiet sigh equal parts content and melancholy, not from desire but her own feelings becoming too much to manage and (a surreal epiphany) the realization that Josuke actually has to breath through all this. she only pulls back enough to end things, wanting to remember this part too - but a wave of embarrassment rolls over her with shocking force, sending her face into a retreat against his chest before she's even completed more than three traced circles on his cheek with her thumb.
she can't look at him right now. words are out of the question, her bravery only extending far enough to pull her hand off his face so she can wrap it around his torso instead and hold tight. for that she still feels on the edge of tears, however, she can't stop smiling and smiling. how could she not?
very soon she's going to have to keep her promise to herself and do right by Josuke, keeping him from tying himself to someone as awful as her. but for the present she suspends her thoughts and allows herself to just revel in this closeness and the familiar feeling it brings - as always with Josuke, no matter what they're doing, she feels like herself. no living, no dead...just Hazel.
to have that now, at the peak of things...it's a wonder she hasn't started making those awful blubbering noises yet.]
[Josuke's not sure what he expected to have happen in the moments immediately following his and Hazel's kiss, but it certainly wasn't having her bury her face against him. If he hadn't first caught a glimpse of the smile lightly tugging at the corners of her mouth, he'd have thought he'd done something wrong.
Of course, even now he's not certain he's done everything right. She may be holding onto him instead of pulling away, but she's not exactly meeting his eyes, either. Does that mean she's feeling safe? Or does it mean the opposite and that he's somehow failed to make her feel completely comfortable?
He hates that he doesn't know, but hates more that he's even wondering, that he'd let such thoughts interrupt this moment. After all, insecurities aside, he's actually pretty happy, and if he's not mistaken...she appears to be, too. While it isn't the first time he's held Hazel, it's the first time he's held her like this—and it's nice. So he tries for now to focus on that.
Because, in the end, that's what she deserves. His trust in her that she would tell him if something were actually wrong. As well as his best attempts at being both patient and understanding.]
You know, you keep this up and I'm gonna wind up using your head as a chin rest.
[Or at least his best attempts at breaking up the awkward tension between them.]
[the sudden speech jolts her out of whatever thoughtless drifting she'd been doing, and the actual words startle a laugh out of her. it's sincere but sort of wobbly, unable to completely extricate itself from the mess that her other feelings are right now.]
You'd cramp your neck if you tried.
[just this once, she'll pull a jab at her height along a little further. but only because it's already such a self-indulgent moment.
Hazel moves her head off him, assuming that's what he's gently poking her to do, but she still won't look up to meet his eyes. she's turning things over in her mind now, trying to find a way to say that she can't do this even though she wants to so badly; it just wasn't fair to let someone like Josuke tie himself down to something like her. it was too selfish, even for Hazel.]
So, this is...what? Another thing we're going to pretend never happened?
[the same way that they'd agreed (and not quite succeeded) to wipe that awkward swear-in encounter from their minds? an event that, looking back now, the cause of which is so obvious that Hazel can only marvel at her determination to ignore it. but jealous of pigs, really? he was ridiculous.
in the end, she still can't spit out the denial that she honestly doesn't want to give. so she ends up with this, a hesitant question rather than an indication of her own preferences - if anything, she sounds a little miserable at the suggested course of action. maybe it's better to try and feel things out like this. there was an awful lot she was assuming and even more she just didn't know.
(maybe she should pull away now, too, but she remains. it's too comforting.)]
[Josuke manages a smile, but when she still refuses to look up at him, the doubts he'd been trying so hard to set aside begin creeping forward all over again.
Something is wrong.
But at least this time Hazel doesn't leave him wondering what it might be. That question comes before he has time to ask and he feels almost as though someone's driven the wind from his lungs with it.]
I don't...
[He doesn't know? No, that's not right. He knows very well what he wants, and it's not to pretend that this didn't happen. But he would, for her, if that's what she wanted. The trouble is, Josuke doesn't know what Hazel wants. She's not giving him any kind of clue at all—except she's asking rather than simply telling him she'd rather pretend. That has to mean something, right?]
No.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, Josuke places his hands on Hazel's shoulders and leans his forehead against the top of her head. His jealousy should speak volumes for him, but in case she needs things to be extra clear, he repeats again...]
No way. I don't wanna forget this or pretend it didn't happen. Why would I?
[she feels very small. it's the same acute awareness of her own fragility that flashes into being when she used to be confronted with some awful thing she couldn't fight at home, but this is different - there's so much that she could do here, and that, paradoxically, is what's making her feel so tiny. the possibilities threaten to swallow her up.]
I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
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deadtective) wrote2015-01-08 01:21 am
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[she rolls her eyes, aware how completely stupid that sounds out loud. it was even dumber in practice, her toting that canvas around one room over and staring at it the next day, squinting in the vague hopes she could find an option that wasn't 'hang this monstrosity' or 'throw it out'.]
I think it's with the pumpkins right now. Come on, it's just easier to show you.
[and with that she rises off the couch, heading for one of the still-empty rooms in the house. inside, the secret of where all the pumpkins have gone since the Doctor's arrival is revealed - they're covered huge swathes of the surface in various states of carving, a huge pile of fake ones in the back with a sticky note saying simply DRAGON??? adorning the topmost one. there's a card table in another corner, upon which several completed jack-o-lanterns are neatly laid out in a row - they're all carved to look like shrunken heads, awaiting Hazel to stop being lazy and hang them from her front doorway.
on the other side of the room a square canvas is propped up against the wall; it's taller than Hazel by a solid five inches, done in oils. the subject is Nysrog in her true form, just coming off her transformation. the monster in the picture hasn't completely settled yet, and hideous limbs that shouldn't be pull and writhe from her body - human arms and legs, aquatic claws, tendrils and tentacles and all manner of shapes that don't seem to be able to logically exist.
Nysrog is lunging forward in a show of power, jaw half-open in a snarl that exposes every one of her serrated teeth. a woman (human) lies torn in half below her in the foreground, but Nysrog seems to lean over her with the same concern a regular person would have for the other, inanimate debris. there's nothing defensive here. despite the way the monster is obviously displaying just how unstoppable it considers itself, there's an expression of disdain on its face somehow - there's no need to prove herself here, only a momentary amusing diversion. with such an inhuman face and too many eyeballs it's amazing that Hazel managed to render that impression so vividly...but it's one that she's intimately familiar with now.
Hazel waves a hand vaguely in the direction of the painting with a soft 'tadaaa' before wandering over to fuss with a folder of carving patterns on the table. she never really likes to look at people looking at her work.]
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[Josuke is quick to his feet and quiet as he follows Hazel to one of the unoccupied rooms of her residence. He has to admit, utilizing the free space as a sort of studio, even if that use is temporary, is pretty genius. This way, Hazel has all the room to work she needs, and at no additional cost!]
Some setup you got going, huh?
[He admires the pumpkins when Hazel invites him inside, taking note of their different sizes and their many different stages of being carved. Those that more closely resemble shrunken heads are a tad unnerving, but he finds he can still appreciate the artistic talent behind them! They're just pumpkins, after all.
But when it comes to the portrait of Nysrog...that's when Josuke feels genuinely unsure of what to say or how to feel.
There's no denying the impressiveness of the work nor the skills required of an artist to complete such a mammoth piece, but that's not what troubles Josuke when he stares at it. No, what eats at him is the way Hazel distances herself while he inspects the painting, and the subject itself, not a creature he's familiar with...or imPort? Had Hazel seen this thing she'd painted? Had she seen it here in this world?
Here he is, trying to protect her from someone like Kira when the reality is...there's probably far worse lurking around the corners out there.]
This is it, huh? Mind me asking what the, um...the inspiration was?
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Just 'cause I wasn't sucking down that gas didn't mean the swear-in wasn't a fun time.
[so, yes, she's seen that thing here. August is far enough in the past that she feels comfortable talking about what had happened in more than the vaguest of unhelpful details, something she'd been too demoralized to do immediately after the face.
her voice and expression are calm, almost casual. really, the only real hints that this encounter had been more than a rough one is the fact that she's trying to get this picture out of her house and the way she immediately moves to deflect - albeit unconsciously this time.]
Not bad for being rusty with big canvases, huh? It's been fucking forever but I figured it fit better.
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If Hazel's seen this creature before, maybe she's even seen the rest. Was the body of the woman in the picture, the monster's victim, some hapless imPort or even a civilian? Was it someone whom Hazel knew, or just a stranger? Josuke can only wonder, because he's not sure he really wants to know the answer.]
A 'fun time', huh? I didn't know that's what people'd taken to calling it.
[It's no wonder she doesn't want the picture lying around her house, he decides. But...can he really accept it into his own home and use it as 'decoration' for a Halloween party? The woman in the painting, she'd been real at some point. Probably. The terrible end she'd suffered wasn't fake, right? Josuke's not sure he feels comfortable using someone's real pain and suffering for make believe scares.
Of course, he doesn't really want to leave this thing with Hazel, either. If she wants it gone, he wants to help.]
Hmm...this doesn't look rusty to me. If you're really sure you want me to take it, then I will.
[Slipping his hands behind his head, he turns ever so slightly at the waist so that he might observe her from the corner of his vision.]
You are sure, aren't you?
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I only painted it because I can't sleep shit off anymore.
[it's a lot more honest than she normally goes for, but that was what she was trying to get better at, right? tell the truth instead of brushing it off. the oblique admission that she has trouble with banishing the darker things in her mind, that without an outlet they burrow their way deep into her skull and poke and prod without cease until she feels like she's going to pop -
it's not pretty. but that's why she tries to keep herself busy at night, so her failures can't fill the void and provide unwanted company. if Hazel can't banish the way Nysrog's strangled tears had morphed so smoothly into mocking laughter with sleep, she can lock it away on canvas. there was something to that bullshit about pictures and souls, perhaps.
"you can't save them all." and it was true, but that didn't mean she had to remember that every waking second.]
So yeah, I'm done with it. [she shifts a little, pulls herself out of wherever her mind had taken her with a smile] Buuut I'm pretty sure you'd like anything I do even if it's shit, so don't feel too bad if I don't count those compliments.
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[Hazel's right, of course. Whatever she painted, Josuke would probably see something in it that she herself didn't, something that made it more than just paint on fabric stretched taut over a wooden frame. Even her cartoonish doodles hadn't failed to impress him—a fact Josuke feels is justified given the incredible amount of talent Hazel possesses and yet seems to be completely unwilling to acknowledge.
But if what she says is true, if the reason she painted this—and maybe the reason she's painted so many other things he hasn't seen yet—is because she needs an outlet, then it makes sense for her feelings regarding her art to be so conflicted.
All in all, Josuke thinks it's a little sad.]
I never really asked before, but now you got me wondering...
[Lowering his arms and giving his back to the painting, Josuke faces his friend before starting toward her. Or toward the pumpkins at least. He prods at one of the half-finished shrunken heads and then lifts it up before his own face and peers at Hazel from over top of it, brows arched high upon his forehead, eyes wide. The mark of someone feeling extra nosy all of a sudden.]
...what happens when you try to sleep? 'Cause maybe you just haven't been relaxed enough to dream or something. I mean, you're always pretty tightly wound!
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I can't sleep, there's no trying. I never get tired, I don't feel drowsy, and all that happens when I lay in bed is that I get a fucking amazing eight hours of memorizing my ceiling.
[maybe she is doing something wrong? the thought hasn't crossed her mind in terms of sleep, but it's always a feeling she has in the back of her thoughts over other things. Hazel doesn't understand her own body anymore - and that feeling of being alien in her own skin has only grown more distinct as time wore on and she suffered through more and more. maybe that's why she doesn't always consider it her own body these days.
for now, though, there's more important matters to discuss. she grabs Josuke by the wrists so she can pull that pumpkin down and give him the full brunt of her now-grumpy frown.]
And you know what else I don't get anymore? Tightly fucking wound!
[DID YOU THINK SHE WASN'T GOING TO COMMENT ON THAT YOU LITTLE SHIT]
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See, that could be part of your problem right there! You don't stare at the ceiling when you're trying to sleep, you close your eyes!
[He's trying to help. Really, he is!
Although, as Hazel robs him of the ability to use his sacrificial pumpkin stand-in, Josuke feels a little like she doesn't think very highly of his particular brand of 'helping' right now. Oops!
Maybe he'd better apologize...]
Soooo, if you don't get tightly wound anymore, whaddya call this exactly—comin' all undone?
[Well! So much for apologizing.]
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[yes, obviously. only the most tranquil people engage in attempting to frown their mouth right off their face to show just how TOGETHER AND FINE they are. how could Josuke have ever made this mistake?]
And I swear to god that better not have been a stitches joke.
[BAD PUNS ARE NOT APOLOGIZING.]
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You've got it all wrong, I didn't mean it like that!
[Is that a hint of wild desperation in his voice as he tries to explain? Maybe. Just a little. Because he'd really like for this encounter to not devolve into kicking and screaming if at all possible! Or for it to at least not end on that note.]
I was just—I mean, the opposite of tightly wound's undone, so—it was just a dumb play on words, okay?! 'Cause this is so not what calm looks like.
[He glances down at her hands on his wrists, and then back up at her face. Her grip's still pretty firm. Maybe she plans to hold on until he swallows his pride? ...and after that unintentional fumble, maybe he ought to.]
Ah, look, I really didn't mean it the way it sounded, you know me better than that, right? I'd stoop low, but never that low. So...you can let go of me, now.
[Still holding that shrunken head, he gives his arms (and hers) a haphazard wiggle.]
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...ah. it was that little blowup they had earlier, wasn't it? or maybe he just doesn't want to have to wrestle her off his face today. either way, it's awfully sweet, and that's got her frown melting away into a fond smile. too bad it doesn't last very long.]
...why, does it bother you?
[are you afraid of her supertough grip, Josuke? terrified of having to drag her to school tomorrow? or is the threat of having to stand here and hold that pumpkin up for time immemorial just too much to bear? orrrr maybe it's all of the above?
whatever the answer, she's definitely not letting go now just to be a little shit. that smug grin she's sporting now makes that more than clear - and also that it's not personal. or, as impersonal as wanting to tease your best friend can get.]
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On that note, it's probably a good thing they're only in a makeshift art studio surrounded by pumpkin carvings and a horrific painting of a monster dismembering an innocent woman, otherwise this situation and Hazel's teasing would be a lot more awkward than it is, wouldn't it?
Oh wait, no, none of that actually helps at all this is still very fucking awkward!]
Huh? Whaddya think? Do I look bothered to you? 'Cause I'm not bothered!
[Not bothered in the 'get off me' sense, at least. But his face might be starting to heat up and that's a bother!]
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[there must be something criminal about complaining about possible bad puns and then immediately using own yourself, but Hazel doesn't give a single fuck. that was an amazing use of wordplay and everyone should be impressed.]
You know the pumpkin's not even lit up, right?
[poor Josuke, without even the heat from a jack-o-lantern candle to blame some of his situation on. this truly must be what the inner circles of hell look like - and no wonder, considering how much of a good time it looks like Hazel's having.]
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[Actually, it kind of is! Or it would be if maybe he weren't the butt of this particular joke! Man, could they be doing this anywhere else right now? He'd really like to be doing this anywhere else...]
I'm fine, it's just—it's this room, it's stuffy in here!
[Yeah, that's a great excuse, right? Totally incontestable! It's a spare room that doesn't see a whole lot of use besides the time Hazel spends in here working, it's not as though the airflow is great, and it smells strongly of paint and pumpkins. Anyone who needs to breathe would be having some kind of reaction! It's not his fault!
But going on the defensive, that's just going to make Hazel's grin grow exponentially, and while Josuke likes seeing her happy...he hates losing.]
Hmm...you don't mind this, though? I mean, you like it?
[So, maybe now's the time to attack. Fight fire with fire, as they say—which may actually be the only way Josuke can beat the heat threatening to color his cheeks. So he takes a determined step closer to Hazel, the shrunken head in his hands providing the only breadth between them.]
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[she's not completely heartless, she'd let him complete this humiliation in the hallway or living room if he wanted. but the comment is ultimately pointless because as soon as she's finished saying it he's closing the gap as much as he can with it still in his hands rather than trying to get rid of the thing.
there's a brief moment where it looks like maybe Josuke's strategy is going to pay off as her insufferable grin falters for a minute once she catches onto the implication behind the question. but Hazel refuses to go down that easily and soon enough it's back, along with some dismissive noise and a completely nonchalant tone.]
What the hell kind of question is that? You're making it sound like we're doing something weird.
[which they're not - or at least, they've done weirder to the point where this no longer qualifies. definitely.
there's a pause as Hazel mentally teeters on the edge, unsure whether or not she should follow through with her first instinct. repressive as she is, there's still a part of her that feels like maybe going forward would be stepping into a place she couldn't return from. but the rest of her quickly smothers it; there's no reason to think that, and more importantly she definitely can't back down now. Josuke would be absolutely intolerable.
so she lifts his arms up gently, pumpkin and all, before ducking underneath the newly formed gap to stick her little self into the space the shrunken head had been protecting. Hazel's aware that she loses some positioning here as she tugs his arms back down around her (she has to slide her hands up to hold onto his forearms now) but the space is more important - Josuke himself had just made it so, after all.]
See? It's fine.
[her smile's a little smaller now as she looks up at him, but no less playful. can he beat that with all the crimson creeping up his face? she doubts it.]
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...and his actions more so.
Unfortunately, both become a bit difficult when Hazel counters his advance with one of her own, accompanied by not just one veiled taunt, but two. And the worst of it is, as she positions herself within the inner circle of his arms shortly after bringing them down around her, he does nothing but stand there and watch. The way she looks up at him, her hands coming to rest upon his forearms, leaves his throat feeling tight, his face hot like the surface of the sun, and his mouth as dry as the Sahara.
It's 'fine' she says. Yeah, if 'fine' is being on the verge of spontaneous combustion.]
...um.
[He really, really wants to be able to recover, for that flicker of hope he'd had a moment earlier not to have been lost, but the more he tries to think of something to say, anything, the more he struggles to find words that aren't Kaneki's repeating in the back of his mind.
You two get along very well for cats and dogs. I mean, is it really that ridiculous? Hazel is cute.
Cute...
She really is, isn't she? At least, when she isn't being an enormous pain in the ass.
Don't they say you bully the person you like...?
The little smile she's wearing right now—it's a lot less inciting than her grin of earlier, and Josuke kind of likes the way it lights up the rest of her face. Her eyes in particular, which he's noticed are rather expressive for someone so hellbent on putting up and maintaining walls.
Walls that never seem to be there to keep him out.
Is that what this is all about, he wonders? Is she really trying to tell him something or is she just completely fucking around? There's only one way to know for certain, and they've already come this far, there's no turning back now.]
Okay.
[That's it. 'Okay.' That's all he says before he does three things. The first, carefully set the pumpkin atop the table nearest them. The second, pull Hazel against himself. And the third, take a breath and...
...
...and avert his gaze, immediately tensing up all over!
Was he just...? He was! He was going to—with dry lips! What was he thinking?!]
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there's never any chance for that because something - something happens all at once, too quickly for Hazel to parse out what it actually was. maybe if she'd actually listened to those warning bells in her head this wouldn't be so mystifying, but since when has she ever made sound decisions with her feelings? there's nothing to help her puzzle out the mystery beyond the tightness of Josuke's arms around her and the absolute certainty that something has shifted here.
she can feel the tension even before it writes itself all over Josuke's body, tangible enough to reach out and touch. whatever was his plan, he's stopped just short of seeing it through to completion. it's mortifying (frightening) to think on when the realization leaves a leaden ball of disappointment in her stomach. Hazel didn't even know what was happening - how could she possibly feel denied some sort of expectation?
suddenly Hazel's very conscious of just where she is right now, and if she were capable of blushing there would certainly be some red of her own to join the soft confusion on her face. rather than pull back, the logical reaction, she stays right where she is. internally disarrayed as she was, this felt...comfortable. safe.]
Ok..?
[this is another thing she shouldn't do, but once again Hazel shoves past her more aware common sense and spits the question out. she unintentionally pushes herself even further against him as she lightly raises up on her tiptoes, giving herself enough height to mimic Josuke's own action during their fight - just gently take him by the chin and tug him back into her line of sight.
even if he doesn't say anything, maybe she can find some answers in his eyes.]
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He struggles to hear her over the deafening sound of his heart thrumming inside his chest, pounding in his ears (how can she not hear it?) but manages still to read her lips.
Her lips—the inevitability that he is drawn towards, in particular when their eyes meet, when he's certain that everything he's thinking and feeling must read as clear as the bottom of a tranquil pond to her. Feverish uncertainty, stomach-knotting curiosity, and of course the many warmer feelings that mottle everything else, the very same feelings he often tries to mask with the bravado she's so familiar with, and the very same feelings he's refused to give the time of day until just recently...
Feelings of a much deeper affection than one has for a mere friend, feelings that sprung up seamlessly somewhere along the way, and Josuke hasn't a clue as to when.
What does he do with that realization? Or for that matter, with their sudden proximity to one another, Hazel having taken it upon herself to stand closer, so close that he's sure even if she can't hear his heart, she ought to be able to feel it racing behind his ribs. What does he do with that? With her? With them?
For starters, he doesn't run. Of course, he doesn't rush, either...giving her (what he hopes is) plenty of time to pull away as he leans down, eyes closing, noses bumping, and then...]
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it all falls into place with a startling conclusion that has her reeling more than any blow's ever managed. how..? and more importantly, why had Josuke ever let something like that happen? of all the people in this world, he should know better than that.
but there it was all the same, and Hazel can't help the warm rush of elation that overtakes her. she shouldn't be letting this happen, but she doesn't want to do the responsible thing - and doesn't that say everything? Josuke should know better, but she was the idiot for somehow managing to ignore the tangled knot sitting right atop her own heart. stupid, stupid...and giddy as hell.
surely it was all right, to be selfish just this once? Hazel could let herself have this moment so long as she told him no right after, couldn't she..?
he leans in and she goes stock still, like a deer in the cross-hairs. but it's just the briefest moment of insecurity, of wrestling with her mind, before she allows herself to go hurtling off that last ledge. a soft giggle escapes her, incredulous, before she closes the tiny distance between them herself.
Hazel is often forceful and loud, even when she's stopped trying to paper up her true nature. there is none of that in her kiss - it's gentle, bordering on shy. it's been what feels like the long end of forever since she's had this, and she wants so badly to make it something wonderful for Josuke. in another moment of mortifying clarity, she realizes that it's been even longer since her partner's opinion has mattered like this. how embarrassing honesty was.
the hand on his chin moves to achieve her initial desire, softly cupping his cheek. the other moves to rest flat against his chest, fingers spread wide to catch as much of his hammering heart as she can. it's thrilling, the beat of humanity at her fingertips, the racing rhythm of someone feeling so deeply their body can't help but respond.
Hazel has none of that. can he feel it through her kiss instead, the way she's letting herself fall bare? just for a moment, a brief instant, all of her vulnerabilities rise to the surface and she does nothing to beat them back down.
does she taste of formaldehyde (no)? is she finally ruining everything by allowing this to happen (perhaps)? can she be human enough to make this special (who can say)?
it was so strange, to want someone to know those thoughts. stranger still that she hoped he could know, somehow, about the heat pooling where the pit of her stomach ought to be. there's no body to betray her, but for once Hazel wants to make everything she's feeling known.]
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Josuke hadn't let anything happen! The torch he carried for Hazel was as surprising to her as it was to him, and no more in his control, besides. He'd done what he'd could to ignore his romantic feelings, had been of the opinion when he'd begun to realize them that they would pass given enough time—and even if they didn't, they couldn't possibly be reciprocated because Hazel and him were just friends.
What he'd failed to consider was the simple fact that one could only sweep so much of something under the carpet before it reared its head again. His feelings had been building up and up for a long time, longer than even he'd been aware. Was it really any wonder they were now messily spilling out everywhere? In the clumsy way he'd bumped Hazel's nose when he'd first leaned towards her; in the way his breath caught and his heart quickened when she giggled at him; the way he held her tighter as their lips finally met; and in the way he couldn't keep from briefly peeking past his eyelashes to try and gauge for himself if she was really as happy as she sounded...
After all, for all the girls back home who'd shown an interest in him, he had never actually kissed any of them. This was new territory for Josuke who, back in Morioh, seemed to know all about how to woo a girl without having actually wooed one.
Which would have made this moment much scarier if not for one of Hazel's hands coming to rest upon his cheek, the other upon his chest, because that was all it took for him to feel less terrified of not having stopped this from going as far as it had. Even without words, Josuke knew at once that Hazel felt the same as him and that, if nothing else, replenished some of his confidence. Enough that he remembered to breathe between the gentle brushing of her lips against his, not to stand there going blue in the face on the other end of their kiss. Enough that, when she allowed her vulnerabilities to rise to the surface, he actually felt aware of them—aware of her and the way that he made her feel.
Safe, he was sure, or she'd have pulled away already. Desired, he was certain, or he wouldn't have felt that way himself.
Though one hand remained upon the small of her back cradling her much smaller frame against his own, his right found its way into the short locks of her hair. Tucking them behind one ear with care, as much a gesture of reassurance as it was tenderness.
She'd never been anything but human to him. Never been anything but special. She had to know how special that made this moment, too...right?]
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when he puts some runaway strands of hair behind her ear, she wants to cry. it's such a simple motion and such a stupid reaction, but the silent message behind it is powerful enough to make her tremble for a few moments. it was fine. Hazel was trying so hard and for once, for the time it mattered the most, she was more than enough. it was a feeling worthier of tears than she'd ever admit.
even in moments where time feels as if it were suspended, things end. Hazel eventually breaks the kiss with a quiet sigh equal parts content and melancholy, not from desire but her own feelings becoming too much to manage and (a surreal epiphany) the realization that Josuke actually has to breath through all this. she only pulls back enough to end things, wanting to remember this part too - but a wave of embarrassment rolls over her with shocking force, sending her face into a retreat against his chest before she's even completed more than three traced circles on his cheek with her thumb.
she can't look at him right now. words are out of the question, her bravery only extending far enough to pull her hand off his face so she can wrap it around his torso instead and hold tight. for that she still feels on the edge of tears, however, she can't stop smiling and smiling. how could she not?
very soon she's going to have to keep her promise to herself and do right by Josuke, keeping him from tying himself to someone as awful as her. but for the present she suspends her thoughts and allows herself to just revel in this closeness and the familiar feeling it brings - as always with Josuke, no matter what they're doing, she feels like herself. no living, no dead...just Hazel.
to have that now, at the peak of things...it's a wonder she hasn't started making those awful blubbering noises yet.]
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Of course, even now he's not certain he's done everything right. She may be holding onto him instead of pulling away, but she's not exactly meeting his eyes, either. Does that mean she's feeling safe? Or does it mean the opposite and that he's somehow failed to make her feel completely comfortable?
He hates that he doesn't know, but hates more that he's even wondering, that he'd let such thoughts interrupt this moment. After all, insecurities aside, he's actually pretty happy, and if he's not mistaken...she appears to be, too. While it isn't the first time he's held Hazel, it's the first time he's held her like this—and it's nice. So he tries for now to focus on that.
Because, in the end, that's what she deserves. His trust in her that she would tell him if something were actually wrong. As well as his best attempts at being both patient and understanding.]
You know, you keep this up and I'm gonna wind up using your head as a chin rest.
[Or at least his best attempts at breaking up the awkward tension between them.]
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You'd cramp your neck if you tried.
[just this once, she'll pull a jab at her height along a little further. but only because it's already such a self-indulgent moment.
Hazel moves her head off him, assuming that's what he's gently poking her to do, but she still won't look up to meet his eyes. she's turning things over in her mind now, trying to find a way to say that she can't do this even though she wants to so badly; it just wasn't fair to let someone like Josuke tie himself down to something like her. it was too selfish, even for Hazel.]
So, this is...what? Another thing we're going to pretend never happened?
[the same way that they'd agreed (and not quite succeeded) to wipe that awkward swear-in encounter from their minds? an event that, looking back now, the cause of which is so obvious that Hazel can only marvel at her determination to ignore it. but jealous of pigs, really? he was ridiculous.
in the end, she still can't spit out the denial that she honestly doesn't want to give. so she ends up with this, a hesitant question rather than an indication of her own preferences - if anything, she sounds a little miserable at the suggested course of action. maybe it's better to try and feel things out like this. there was an awful lot she was assuming and even more she just didn't know.
(maybe she should pull away now, too, but she remains. it's too comforting.)]
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[Josuke manages a smile, but when she still refuses to look up at him, the doubts he'd been trying so hard to set aside begin creeping forward all over again.
Something is wrong.
But at least this time Hazel doesn't leave him wondering what it might be. That question comes before he has time to ask and he feels almost as though someone's driven the wind from his lungs with it.]
I don't...
[He doesn't know? No, that's not right. He knows very well what he wants, and it's not to pretend that this didn't happen. But he would, for her, if that's what she wanted. The trouble is, Josuke doesn't know what Hazel wants. She's not giving him any kind of clue at all—except she's asking rather than simply telling him she'd rather pretend. That has to mean something, right?]
No.
[Unwrapping his arms from around her, Josuke places his hands on Hazel's shoulders and leans his forehead against the top of her head. His jealousy should speak volumes for him, but in case she needs things to be extra clear, he repeats again...]
No way. I don't wanna forget this or pretend it didn't happen. Why would I?
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I don't know, it's just - you're really great and you already deal with me so much and it'd be so shitty and selfish to just make you do more of that when you could actually find someone who wasn't a fucking trainwreck every second of the day and can just spit out what they're feeling when they actually feel it, and I know you're not stupid but you think I'm a lot better than I'm ever going to be and I just - it's just - it's not fair to you.
[everything comes spilling out the moment she starts to articulate, like a dam that's finally found a crack to exploit. her words tumble and run over each other, rushing out with the rapidity of someone who's unconsciously remembered they don't need to pause for breath when speaking anymore.
she's upset, certainly, but there's also a deep shame set into her features as she just keeps going and going. Hazel is aware that the stores of bile she constantly keeps in reserve to fling at herself is rolling out with her words as well, laid bare for all to see. even Josuke would be able to tell that her problem had nothing to do with him (nothing to do with her own feelings, although she doesn't realize she's said that as well by not saying it) and everything to do with the way she viewed herself.
her voice wobbles and breaks as she finally smashes into the end and, god, she wants to run now. but she can't - he deserves her to stay here, whatever that's worth - and she's can't look away with how he's positioned herself, so Hazel just shuts her eyes as she finally gives in and starts to cry.
she wants to do this so badly. why can't she just fucking let herself have something nice for once, even if she didn't deserve it?]
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